~ archived since 2018 ~
Popular
Other
[deleted]
[–]recyclablebanthas 7 years ago* [recovered] (7 children) | Copy Link
1
It´s become sort of a textbook rule in anything related to seduction/sex/relationships that it´s very important to have an "abundance mentality" as a way to avoid needy behavior /oneitis. It sounds pretty reasonable.....
I guess it's probably important that we establish exactly what you seem to think "abundance mentality" really means.
I ask this because a lot of people have come to the erroneous conclusion that it means you are dating multiple women.
Which is kind of close, but inaccurate and missing a very important piece.
2
but at the same time there are particular circumstances like age, location, time constraints, etc where it seems delusional to think that any sort of "abundance" is possible. If you´re never been particularly good with women, it´s not so easy to face rejection or feel attraction to someone and be all jaded like "it doesn´t matter, i could date/fuck 10 other women easily" .
Yeah, you seem to be subscribing to a false definition of "abundance mentality."
It's not about being able to "fuck 10 other women easily." It's about having options, or knowing you could get options, but it's also about being perfectly fine and comfortable WALKING away from those options and being okay going solo.
Too many guys get caught up in needing those spinning plates, that they become desperate in a different way, feening like drug addicts.
3
To me it seems more like wishful thinking.....
A lot of people here don't know what they're doing and are trying to fake it until they make it. So they read about a concept like "abundance mentality," and think that it's about the result (having abundance) and completely miss how you arrive at that result (mindset and a lifestyle).
You don't just "get abundance" by deciding you need to have multiple women at once. You're hitting on that fact, for sure. Truth.
Here's one way you might build it:
In this way, you can build up the ability to meet people comfortably, place yourself around new people more often so you have more to choose from, and you're not losing yourself because you're still leaving time for yourself.
Options. And all without neglecting the option to just walk away from it. Which is kind of vital. When you know you have a life you can step out and plug into whenever you want, you're not going to be walking into new social situations feeling like a beggar. Then you will be in a position to pick and choose from a position of self-respect.
It's not about some nebulous notion of "high status." It's not about some bullshit genetic theory. It's not about some subjective idea of "decent looking." But it's also not helpful when some PUAs try to advise others to just have abundance. That's about as useful as someone saying to be yourself. It's true, but it's usually absent the details about how you get to that result.
It's about taking care of yourself and shifting your life a bit so you have options, including the option of nuking it all on some nights for a night in with yourself.
[–]MrDownhillRacer 2 points3 points4 points 7 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
…but it's also about being perfectly fine and comfortable WALKING away from those options and being okay going solo.
That's the thing, though. Is it even possible to be happy being alone, when having a romantic life is actually something that's important to you?
I think the advice of "you need to be comfortable being alone" makes perfect sense in certain contexts. For example, that friend you have who rushes into relationships immediately after a previous one failing, only for the new person to quickly turn out to also not be what they want. Or, the person who "monkey branches" and is never single, because they aren't comfortable being alone for even the shortest duration.
But, a person who, quite far into adulthood, has never had success dating, never been able to attract a anyone in the first place, is very inexperienced for their age… how do they just decide that the quite normal life experiences of dating and sex "aren't all that important," and that they are just as happy without them?
If these are important goals, unless one has decided that goals that are incompatibility with this are more important (becoming a number or priest or something), no amount of fulfillment in other areas of life will make lack of fulfillment in this one tolerable, imo. Just as getting all the dates in the world wouldn't neutralize the pain of being unfulfilled in other areas of your life you consider important. I just don't see how one of these areas could be considered a salve for the other.
The "you have to be happy by yourself" meme might be applicable to people who, by experience, know they tend to have meals at regular intervals, even if they are unsure what they are having for dinner that night because they get off work late and don't have time to cook or something. They are at least certain that they aren't in danger out starving to death, even if they don't know what's for supper.
But telling somebody in a position of food insecurity, like some starving kid in Somalia, that they have to be happy despite that uncertainty, is a lot different from telling that to the person who is just a little hungry and doesn't know when they'll get to eat next, though they are certain it will be within a tolerable time frame. If that analogy makes any sense.
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points 7 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
There's an assumption here, I think, that the pretext or reasoning behind having a romantic life is that you're not content being alone. Because let's be real here. If we're talking about being unhappy being alone, that's loneliness. Possibly even some degree of desperation, if we're really really honest.
But being happy alone, as paradoxical as it might seem, is just fucking necessary. When you come to a relationship or even a fling, in want and neediness, all sorts of imbalances end up being baked into the situation from the start and doom it to end or to become a living hell eventually.
And really, I'm not talking about being "alone" in the sense of being a hermit or anything like that.
This changes slightly if you're legitimately only interested in casual stuff. It's still important to be okay being alone even in that case, the main difference is that your standards for women can be slightly different because it's not important whether or not they meet long term standards. But even if you're casual, being involved with women you don't like as people, having sex just because you can, with someone who disgusts you, will take a toll on you after a time.
......a person who, quite far into adulthood, has never had success dating, never been able to attract a anyone in the first place, is very inexperienced for their age… how do they just decide that the quite normal life experiences of dating and sex "aren't all that important," and that they are just as happy without them?
The world isn't perfect. Someone with inexperience is going to have to make mistakes and they WILL make mistakes, many of which they won't even see coming until they've already fucked things up.
Some mishaps are almost certain unless someone really wins the cosmic lottery or something. And those mishaps are necessary reference experiences. Lessons that help point us in another direction, at least when we're ready to stop repeating a particular lesson.
The whole idea of being okay with being alone as an option is, as I said at the start, not just something you can decide to adopt as an attitude.
It's something you arrive at, and I already laid out some points in my first reply about how one would start heading in that direction. Build a social life for yourself that's not dependent on new girls, or any one person. Practice social skills while out and about. And don't sacrifice all your alone time.
[–]MrDownhillRacer 0 points1 point2 points 7 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I suppose that after years of "working on myself," immersing myself in hobbies, and also making friend groups despite my social anxiety, I am no longer able to hold the belief that a romantic and/or sexual life is some kind of reward for being an adequate person. I've been working under the assumption that "self-improvement" and "focusing on myself" would eventually eventually lead to just "naturally" finding contentment in this other area (even if this wasn't my sole or primary reason for doing those things), but experience is making me disillusioned with this idea.
Because let's be real here. If we're talking about being unhappy being alone, that's loneliness. Possibly even some degree of desperation, if we're really really honest.
I think in some cases, desperation is warranted. It's natural to be desperate for something one is lacking in.
I think the difference is how one responds. For example, sure my desperation causes me anxiety and insecurity about not finding mates, but I haven't responded to it by relinquishing my standards and going after just any old person for the sake of having somebody to be with, which is where I think those negative effects will come in. I only approach people I am either (A) interested in, or (B) physically attracted to, in the case of casual intents. It's not often that I'm in a position to do this, but I have refused sex with people to whom I was simply not attracted or not interested in, whereas somebody who has let their desperation rule their every action probably would have taken it for the validation.
But being happy alone, as paradoxical as it might seem, is just fucking necessary. When you come to a relationship or even a fling, in want and neediness, all sorts of imbalances end up being baked into the situation from the start and doom it to end or to become a living hell eventually. But being happy alone, as paradoxical as it might seem, is just fucking necessary. When you come to a relationship or even a fling, in want and neediness, all sorts of imbalances end up being baked into the situation from the start and doom it to end or to become a living hell eventually.
It's possible that a relationship could become toxic because of the insecurities of one or more of the parties, but I don't think that necessarily has to be the case. I think this belief just supports the idea that people have to be free of any emotional issues in order to deserve either intimacy, that solving these things is a prerequisite for intimacy, and not something that can possibly be worked on in tandem with attaining intimacy. In the case that one's inability to manage one's insecurities does prove fatal to a relationship, I think that having this experience would probably be a more useful life lesson for how to navigate these things that this internet neo-Stoic expectation of having all one's feelings entirely in order before being deemed worthy of romantic or sexual experience.
I mentioned having a social life as a pillar that's very necessary
Yes, I know nobody is talking about being a total hermit, but I don't think even a platonic social life neutralizes all insecurities about the lack of a romantic or sexual one. There are plenty of older men who have a friend group, go out with the boys for drinks, have a rewarding career, but still seem unable to meet women. I don't think the average 45-year-old missing this component of life really thinks, "oh well, it's not a big deal; I'm content either way."
I think attraction is a skill. For most people, that skill just came naturally, because they had an upbringing that encouraged it. For the kind of people who post on internet forums about how to get dates and sex, that skill likely did not come naturally, and must be practiced. And if one wants to get better at guitar, one practices guitar. If one wants to make friends, one goes out and socializes. It's only in the area of dating, to the exclusion of all other areas, where people give you this pseudo-zen advice about how you have to practice everything else but dating, like platonic friendship, hobbies, rewarding careers, etc., and becoming "one with oneself" or whatever, in order to get better at dating. And I used to buy it, but I can only hold to a belief so long without reality confirming it before I start to question it. And honestly, look around: homeless drug addicts have partners. Obese people have partners. Boring people with no hobbies have partners or sex lives. Maybe it's because, even if they aren't winning in other areas of life, they have skills in this one. Maybe learning to cook doesn't make you better at playing guitar, but playing guitar does.
Build a social life for yourself that's not dependent on new girls, or any one person. Practice social skills while out and about. And don't sacrifice all your alone time.
I dunno, in the last couple of years, I've made more friends than I ever had before. I am comfortable spending time alone, and being an introvert anyway, don't mind spending a Friday or Saturday night at home alone practicing sketching or reading a book. None of this has made me suddenly lose pain of not being successful romantically or sexually. Likewise, I don't think that the aforementioned homeless drug addict has lost the pain of not having material security simply because they have a partner. I don't see one area as alleviating issues in another. People have to work on all of them at once, holistically. People who are unsuccessful at dating, I think, don't need direction at how to get better at dating, not sold an entire self-help system about fixing everything else.
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points 7 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Most of your reply is going off into a bunch of tangents, based off of things I wasn't saying or talking about:
I am no longer able to hold the belief that a romantic and/or sexual life is some kind of reward for being an adequate person.
Wasn't saying this.
I think in some cases, desperation is warranted. It's natural to be desperate for something one is lacking in. I think the difference is how one responds.
I think the difference is how one responds.
I was talking about how desperation affects what you get. While it's "natural" to feel, that doesn't change the reality that desperation affects your results. And the problem is, if one doesn't do work on themselves to address desperation, it will come out in ways one often won't even realize.
2: Back to what I said in my first reply to you
My main points were:
I've made more friends than I ever had before. I am comfortable spending time alone.....None of this has made me suddenly lose pain of not being successful romantically or sexually.
You've met some necessary conditions here; being able to make friends and have a social life, are pretty much necessary skills you need to be capable of taking a shot at flings or relationships.
However, there are a couple issues here:
You're probably not far from getting there.
[–]kalz44 1 point2 points3 points 7 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
(Slow clap...)
[–]DespisedByWomen 0 points1 point2 points 7 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
What events would you suggest that has a good rotation of new people?
Some possible suggestions.....
Note: Having at least two of these going can be helpful, even if you can't do two of them every week.
[–][deleted] 7 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
[permanently deleted]
© TheRedArchive 2026. All rights reserved.created by /u/dream-hunter
[–]recyclablebanthas [recovered] (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]MrDownhillRacer 2 points3 points4 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]MrDownhillRacer 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]kalz44 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]DespisedByWomen 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (1 child) | Copy Link