Sorry for this being long.

I am normally composed and collected by I'm stumbling and relapsing.

A few years ago, I walked out of my marriage when my son was born. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I knew what I was going was right since my ex wife had pushed me to limit.

No intimacy, no respect and she was ruining me financially.

I grew up in a single mother home and knew how hard it would be for my son but wanted to do right for him and myself before she either ended it, cheated on me or further pushed me towards being a soulless beta ATM.

I was heartbroken and she did a fantastic job trying to destroy my life.

False assault charges and legal fees as well as trying to restrict my time with my son under supervised visits; she wanted to hurt me with the only leverage she had.

Anyway, after depression and alcoholism, I embraced TRP and started to get into shape.

I would get more muscular and more attractive. Even catching her check me out a few times. However, I was cold and distant to her and would spin plates.

Sleeping with dozens of women and being as masculine as I could be. Learning new skills and being more hands on.

Fast forward to recent weeks, she said in passing that I probably thought she wasn't attractive. I slipped up and told her that she was and told her that this is the life she wants. I put her to be accountable for the divorce.

Now she brings up the fact that legally, we aren't divorced and that we should finalize the divorce to make things easier for our son. I called her out on that shit.

If you want to get a home or remarried then fess up to it and finish the job you started and don't put this on me so you can hide behind it down the road. Our two year old doesn't know the difference and it's despicable to use him this way.

Now I have to admit that while I am trying to move forward, her looking good, being kind and the sheer amount of trash out there in the dating market, is giving me pause.

She hides her phone from me and gets texts all the time leading me to believe that she has a man she is seeing.

This isn't my problem, I know. It still bothers me. So much that I have stopped spinning plates and can't focus when working out.

It's bullshit because I know that my value is going up each day while hers is declining. Leaving her with the notion of finding a beta bucks as a viable option. If there wasn't a kid, it'd be easier but I see her 4x a week.

Times I miss the person she was and the amazing lay so much that I thought about spinning her as a plate.

But the new mindset I have screams at the stupity of it.

I don't know. I feel all over the place and would love to hear some suggestions from guys that either fucked past oneitis or have a baby mama.

She has found Jesus which she used to justify our separation as it wasn't her action but christ finding his way into her heart (I'm not religious).

This also reinforces the notion that she wants to finalize things to get that dick without any lingering guilt and why she is pushing me to do it.

Any input is welcomed.