I never considered myself to be very attractive. Neither really in terms of appearance or in my general ability to attract the girls I was into.

Bullying and moving ever since grade school were probably the causes for my anti-social tendencies that developed during puberty, and why I developed an overanalyzing, introverted personality with cynical tendencies and preferences for hobbies done in solitude, such as drawing, writing, reading and general artistry. The experiences I have had with people have taught me: there is more to lose than to gain in any given social interaction. Every time I would talk to friends or a group of people, despite the 'result' and my impressions of the conversation, I'd leave with doubts, fears and discomfort, having preferred the conversation never happened. What's the point in talking to people when everytime I do so I feel the subconscious need to prove myself to them?

Few of the cases I've had where I was attracted to (or 'in love' with) girls during that time were from school, as that was my closest connection to a large social group at my age apart from the internet I spent too much time on. As you might expect, I indulged in fruitless efforts in a romanticized reality that I tried to prolong until staying put and gazing from the distance was becoming too toxic for me. It doesn't take a scientist to explain why, but every one of these times those one-sided crushes came to an equally one-sided close, this romanticized reality of mine became less and less apparent to me as the actual reality, i.e. the 'social reality', as many other normally socialized people saw it. I realized that I just saw the world differently, hence I acted weirdly. From this point onward, I would accept, and adapt like they did.

The only difference being that they did so subconsciously. Me, the drama-pursuing and disaster-loving person that I've grown up as, noticed this shift in full awareness. After the age of sixteen I eventually stopped trying to fit into society (as I've probably stopped caring too), so instead I started watching from the sidelines.

First it started as a mostly spiteful, condescending act. In retrospect some of the shit I was thinking was even comparable to the shit that Hachiman spouted. No wonder so many people relate to that series. It didn't take long and I started being neutral about it. Until I wondered what if, just what if, I could be part of this whole charade too. Everyone seemed to enjoy it, yet I despised it along with the other unpopular and antisocial kids I equally despised being part of. But what if I pretended to like it? Would I succeed if I seriously tried? If I tried this from an entirely different angle than the dreamy, stupidly dramatic shitshow of emotions I was used to? Yea dude; let's try the rational, scientific, and almost sociopathic approach. Just for shits and giggles.

So you begin your first social experiment, as you've stopped caring about these people long ago anyways. They didn't care about you all this time either, so why should you? Moral issues sorted out just like that. Let's start by saying stuff you wouldn't normally say, something extroverted or something. See if that works.

Mkay, that was awkward, so pull back. Let's try something else. Watch what the super-popular guys are doing. They're brofisting everyone, even those they are not friends with? Let's try imitating that behaviour.

Oh wow. What's this expression I am getting from some out of the blue? They're no longer acting indifferent towards me. They qualifying me or something?

Uhuh. So some of this shit actually works. Doesn't make me happy, but I've grown smarter. What if I go a step farther though, aquire knowledge BEYOND this society? What does the internet have for possible resources? This seems like a fun hobby.

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And what's this, a book? A community? Could this be what I've been looking for?

It's been three years. I'm still not getting happiness out of this. But I have grown smarter. Maybe if I become smart enough, I will obtain happiness too. Right. That must be how it works.