I’m just tried. I want to grow as a partner. I want to stop putting pressure stop nagging things I didn’t realize that were considered nagging to him is.

I grew up in a family with women who were all serial cheaters and or violent with their boyfriends.

My mom’s most recent relationship got her addicted to fentanyl… my sister before she passed she married a guy who was in prison bc I found out he had a meth lab in my nephews bedroom.

My aunts husband thought she was cheating and shot her in the head while she was working as a nurse.

Shortly after my dad took a gun to our house put the bullets into my Christmas presents and started shooting at my mom. I had a dentist apt that day so I was in the car when he shooting the gun.

The one time I was at my aunts she was bragging how her husband and her were arguing and she took furniture and started throwing the chairs. I looked visibly uncomfortable bc she stopped talking and I left the room she stated again.

My one sister brags abt hitting her bf with her car. I think his sister too. Then one sister bf got her on herion he’s in jail for rape charges but she’s staying with him 😐 she asked me at 18 to beat up the little girls (14/15) he was in his 30s and she late 20’s 26/27. Then my other sister she used to cheat and hit her bf. Her bf now I guess has to keep a separate apartment so when she kicks him out he isn’t homeless.

I just need help I think I am feminine. I am nothing like my family. My dad was my best friend. He is the reason I am the successful one. He gave me his values dating (my sisters are half and then my mom adopted my two cousins when my aunt passed). I would normally talk to my dad but he’s passed.

But my fuse certainly is not feminine. I am just always on guard worried what will happen next. I never knew if my mom took pills or was drinking until she was physical wit me as a little girl. I am incredibly sensitive. I assume the worst. That the intent was to hurt me. My bf has hurt me and I have hurt him. I will think and shut down emotionally where the only thing I do is confront or be mad.

How can I start regaining femininity. I would love to kill it with kindness. Or not nag.

I used to meditate daily it helped. But I just mostly cried bc it was right when my dad died. And I cut off my entire family. I speak to my mom occasionally last few months.