Uncle Vaz' Rules For Fistfights

The recent post on self defense got me thinking. Every kid should learn martial arts for confidence, discipline, mental and physical toughness, fitness and in case they ever need it.

That said, "The greatest victory is that which requires no battle.” ―Sun Tzu, The Art of War

The best fight is one you never have. Use your words, walk away, do whatever.

*Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation."

―Rule 24 of the (unofficial) USMC Rules of Combat

I'm an older guy so there really isn't anything to gain by fighting me - the only time it becomes a question is when some young guy thinks he is going to move on whatever young woman I am with, and doesn't like it when he gets rebuffed, but I can usually re-direct the guy's anger/embarrassment. One phrase I use early on is "I'm not her father, I'm her Daddy." Sufficiently funny not to make anyone angry, and I am (luckily) still at a point in my life where other men still see me as potentially dangerous.

Avoid using words that force an opponent to escalate or lose face. Only break that rule if the result will be a decisive victory. A middle-aged guy followed me into a gas station once because, from his vantage point 100+ yards away, he decided that I did not stop sufficiently long enough at a stop sign.

Who. Fucking. Cares?

Well evidently this dumbass. So he pulled up and then started stuttering when I got out of my car - I was, after all, at a gas pump. So he starts to lecture me and I look at him, then at his wife in the passenger seat and I say, "Is that your wife?"

He says yes.

Me: Do you really want to get your ass kicked in front of her?"

He drove away, tail between his legs.

Now, for the Monday Morning Quarterbacks, yes, he "could" have had a gun. So could have I. Dafuq does he care if I rolled a stop sign or not. Don't go picking fights when you are a tubby middle-aged guy with your wife in the car. That said, if I had it to do over again, I would probably say "Thanks for the tip." and proceeded to gas my car up.

Contrary to that example (I was in my 30s then), older men can cool out younger men when the young men need it. In S. Africa in the 1970s, there was project to relocate some elephants. Because of cost considerations, females, babies and young males were moved, but the older males were not.

Result? Disaster.

Without older males to provide a social template and act as a buffer, the young males started acting in very un-elephant likes ways, in particular stacking rhino bodies, and engaging in other negative behaviors. So they moved the older bulls. As soon as the old guys showed up, the young guys cooled out. You can read about it here

That is part of what I do here: try to help you guys and keep you from doing dumb stuff. /heh

Never Blow Your Cool.

Do if someone wants to insult me, I usually say (if it is someone I know, most of whom know better) "Are you okay?" Puts the focus back on them. If I don't know them, I might say "Hey, I don't think we've met...whats your name?" After they give it I will say, "Ok, Bob, could you repeat what you just said to me right before?" Either he will, and it will fall flat, or he will beg off and you will have cured him of his bullshit.

You should not get wrapped up in what other people think of you. I arrived at that phase early. As you age you don't actually get cooler, but you do care a lot less about being cool, which, ironically is the One True Way of Being Cool. This is called the "Geezer's Paradox."

Oh, and stay the fuck out of road rage situations. Someone wants to pass me, I let him go. Let him get the ticket. Or maybe he really has to get somewhere. Not my problem and I'm not going to get shot over someone else's ego - or mine for that matter. Sometimes, that pays off; I had a guy tailing me on a 2 lane road - I was going well over the speed limit but apparently not fast enough for this guy, so first chance I could a pulled over to the right and waved him by. About 10 minutes later, I came across him pulled over by a cop. He looked at me and I smiled and waved. /heh

Situational awareness is your best friend. Be aware of your surroundings at all times, who is there, and who might be up to no good, or worse, mean you harm. You should have a "threat assessment" subroutine running in the background at all times. When I am out in public, I know where my entry/exit points are, and who might be an issue. Probably not the couple out having a private dinner to celebrate their 49th wedding anniversary, but the loud guys getting progressively drunker? Yeah, might be them. Might not be, either; some people are "happy" drunks. It's the "angry" guys that you have to watch out for. The good news is, if you have to fight them, they're drunk and you aren't.

"I spent my whole life trying not to be careless. Women and children can afford to be careless, but not men." - Don Corleone, The Godfather

When you go out, do not get sloppy drunk. Limit yourself to a maximum of one less drink than you can comfortably handle, because if you hit the limit and then have one more, the wheels might come off the bus. I used to work with a guy who was a great guy when sober, and up until drink number 4, after that he turned into a fucking MONSTER, total Jekyll to Hyde. Crazy. He got fired for being drunk and disorderly at a holiday party.

If I am out, I might have a cocktail or a glass of wine with dinner, maybe a glass of port at the end. That is waaaaay below my tolerance level. It should be, ofc, because if things go sideways, I am the person who will be expected to Handle It.

Same rules for getting high. If you partake, do so at home. DWIs can wreck your life and your bank account. Do not overindulge.

If a Fight Cannot Be Avoided.

Well, that's a pity, but I refer you to rule 12 of the (unofficial) USMC Rules of Combat.

"In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose."

―Rule 12 of the (unofficial) USMC Rules of Combat

"But Uncle Vaz," you say, "Cheating is bad."

No, some idiot picking a fight with you when you were minding your own business is bad. Don't start none, and there won't be none.

Also:

"The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get."

―Rule 21 of the (unofficial) USMC Rules of Combat.

―"Get there first with the most" - Gen. Patton, maybe.

My actual favorite fight story is one that involved one punch that I was on the wrong end of...but I still "won" the fight. How so?

I was a bouncer back in the 1980s and a guy hit me in the jaw - and for dudes who want to show up and "advise" me about where I went wrong, don't; I already know - the punch itself didn't phase me, so I looked at him and said, "Is that the best you've got?" (Hat tip, Muhammad Ali, who said smth similar to George Foreman in the 7th Round of the Rumble in the Jungle, after rope-a-doping him up until then) He looked at me blankly and I told him "You should walk out of her while you still can." He left, and I was congratulated on my restraint - the owner of the bar didn't like us beating up the customers, so we tried to avoid it.

Your job is to get out of there with as little damage as possible, and if that means incapacitating your attacker, so be it.

"Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them)."

―Rule 19 of the (unofficial) USMC Rules of Combat.

The trouble is, you have to keep both hands in sight. An old boxing trick is to feint up and away with your non-dominant hand; an untrained opponent will follow it with their eyes and never see the other hand coming until it's too late.

Pro Tip: Do not get involved in someone else's civil war.

If a couple wants to fight, that's their problem. I had planned on meeting up with a buddy one night and he never showed. It turned out some guy was roughing up his gf and my buddy intervened. Someone else had called the cops and when they arrived, the gf backed her bf and my pal got arrested. They never pressed charges, so he just got room and board on the city for the night, but that's one more night than he wanted to.

Pro Tip 2: Do not get stabbed for someone you don't know.

Army veteran Ricky Best intervened to "save" a couple of girls from a guy who was yelling (IIRC, anti-Islamic) epithets at them on a train. He and two other men intervened, and apparently the guy had a knife and some combat skills, because Best and one of the two other men, were killed. Best left behind three teenage sons and a daughter he will never walk down the aisle.

Pro Tip 3: Observe the NAVY rule

NAVY = Never Again Volunteer Yourself. USMC Daniel Penny intervened on a NYC subway and the guy who he had to handle died (unintentionally) in the course of Penny subduing him. In a red state, Penny would have been hailed as a hero; in NYC, home of cancerous POS D.A. Alvin Bragg, he got charged with manslaughter.

Pro Tip 4: Take an Uber

Stay the fuck off of public transportation. Best was killed on a the Green Line in Portland; Penny was on the NYC Subway. Don't cheap out, it could save your life.

Takeaways:

-Avoid, deter, de-escalate.

-Situational Awareness is your best friend.

-Don't get sloppy.

-If you have to fight, use all means and methods to end the fight quickly and favorably.