Men work in hierarchies. This has been the case since we evolved into homosapiens over two hundred thousand years ago. Hunter gatherer tribes had one man, the alpha, calling the shots to best ensure the tribe's survival. Today, hierarchies exist in our careers and sports. Men give each other respect because of their accomplishments, competence, and skills. Men innately understand that we respect one another based on these attributes as opposed to being virtuous. But, while being a good man is important, it is not nearly as important as being good at being a man. However, any respect earned is meaningless unless it is demonstrated that you, under no circumstances, will not tolerate disrespect. Most men don’t know how to command respect. Respect comes from establishing boundaries and expressing that certain behaviors exhibited are unacceptable. Others will never respect you if you do not respect yourself. 

Boundaries are meaningless unless they are enforced

Who are the most respected men in history? Usually, it’s those with the most power, influence, or largest capacity for violence. Just think: the president of the United States is given respect by virtue of being president. The most muscular man in the room is respected by ostensibly being able to physically dominate anyone in it. Luckily, you don’t have to be the biggest or most powerful man to be respected, as none of these attributes matter if you allow others to disrespect you. If someone is disrespected and that behavior is not punished, the behavior will continue because it has been demonstrated that you are a man who does not respect himself. Thus, boundaries must be demonstrated immediately after the first instance of disrespect occurring. 

Actions speak louder than words, never explicate what your boundaries are, but rather, demonstrate them. As soon as someone behaves in a way that is unacceptable to you, you must immediately confront them. You don’t necessarily have to become aggressive. Just simply let them know that that behavior is unacceptable. Yes, this can cause quarrels and fights, but who cares. Possessing courage is required to become good at being a man. I recommend diplomatically, or, at the very least, responding in a way that is proportionate to the disrespect given. So, if someone calls you an inappropriate name, tell them to  never call you that again. Oftentimes, men may say they were just joking, or that you need to loosen up. That does not matter. You tell them to never call you that again, so they know a boundary has been crossed. Similarly, if someone pushes you, you must push them back harder to demonstrate that you are not a pushover, even if it means losing the fight. Now, with that being said, sometimes the best option is to just walk away, especially if you have much to lose. Regardless, you must demonstrate that certain behavior is unacceptable. 

You Must Have A Willingness to Walk Away

Regardless of who is disrespecting you, you must always have a willingness to walk away. You can’t fake this, it must be internalized. It doesn’t matter if it means losing your girlfriend, parent, or childhood best friend, you genuinely  must be capable of letting others go if they repeatedly cross boundaries. If you currently are in a position where you are regularly disrespected and not taken seriously, people will undoubtedly call your bluff when you start standing up for yourself. This is why it is important that you call out disrespect immediately to prevent this from happening. While boundaries should always be demonstrated as opposed to explicated, there is an exception to the rule when the boundaries are new, just be prepared when they are inevitably challenged.  

I know this sounds cold, but if you can't let someone go after they constantly disrespect you, you don’t deserve to be respected. People have to know that you are the real deal, that you are a man who means what he says. Additionally, people will actually respect you far more for calling out certain behaviors, because you are conveying that you are a man of value, and illustrating that your respect for yourself is cardinal, more important than anything else, especially others feelings. People will respect you because they can trust that you will stand up for what’s right, even if it means losing others. 

Respect is earned, not given. I wish the truth was inverted, but it’s not. As men, we must become. We must conquer our fears and have the ability to confront others when necessary, despite the possibility of relationships or opportunities discontinuing. It is more important that you respect yourself, demonstrating that you are a man of value, which is far more rare than the average man who allows others to trample over him.  Never be afraid to stand up for yourself, don’t be a nice guy, and immediately call out disrespect when it happens. Command Respect.

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