A while back my stbx punched me and I called the police because I didn't want to give her time to think of ways to lie her way out of it. The kids and I packed some things and went to stay with my parents.

She and I have moved on from that. She rarely says she's sorry, but I also made a boundary a long time ago that sorry means it will never happen again. But she said it. Now we're tearing apart after 17 years.

I can't explain it, but it's like I don't have access to thinking about it. I try, but I can't. I'm really afraid about some things, and even though they're rational, it's like I'm blocking them. I'm afraid I'm going to freak out about everything, and I gotta be strong for the kids, and finding serenity in the chaos is an imbalance I can't figure out.

A couple of times when talking about it with friends, I've heard "You did the best you could." All I can think of when I hear that, is "You did the worst you could." And that's really true in a lot of situations over the years. Now I'm finding that thinking of it that way is actually very positive. You know your worst and how it happened, so you can say sorry, that won't happen again." It's a vulnerable stance, but repentance and determination go together great, and they help each other.

I know everyone reading this is in a tough place today, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, but if we're granted another chance to do something, it'll get done because of your mistakes. So, let go and do the next right thing until it's time for bed. Everyone deserves their own version of serenity and chaos. I don't want to live my life paying penance because I did the best I could. I'm afraid of being unforgiven.