It's been a year of reflection and action that has led me (M52) to separate from my wife (F50) of 24 years, and a divorce filing next month.

From the outside looking in, we were a model family, two children most parents would be proud of, nice home and solid income. Over the years, my wife was the lead with the kids, and she poured enormous amounts of energy into them, when she wasn't working her well paid, 9-5 job (she has out earned me by a multiple of my income the past ten years).

I believed myself to be a better than average dad, and was active in our boys lives (one college junior, one starting college now). We travelled, were involved in church, had a solid core of friends. Our marriage was "normal" in my mind....sex every 5-6 weeks in the midst of our busy lives, but over the past 8-10 years we just became roommates.

LIke most families, there are random health challenges, hey, that's part of life. Six years ago, I felt the need to go to the ER for what I thought might be recurrent feelings of a heart issue. I checked out fine at the ER, but was referred to a cardiologist for a follow up. After a scan, and some more tests, and a second opinion....I ended up undergoing a heart catheterization, and had a stent implanted. Wow, what a shock! I had widespread atherosclerosis, and one artery almost completely blocked. No family history, good health numbers-what's going on?

I initially took stock of this new health reality, and my heart disease diagnosis, with a sense of anxiety. Why is this happening? As I have healthy parents, elder sister and brother of similar health, I consulted with them to understand, why me, and why are they in seemingly good health, with no heart issues?

After accepting this new reality, I moved forward with a sense that tomorrow isn't promised. On a parallel track, I also longed to have a closer relationship with my wife. For multiple years, I always tried to ignore the fact my need for physical (non sexual) affection was never met from my wife. I always felt non- reciprocated from her. It stuck in the back of my head, but I just swept my needs under the rug

Over the years, I discussed my affection needs with her, albeit infrequently, and I thought she understood. Affection improved for a short period before falling back to the old normal of no touch, no hugs, no sitting on the couch together; just the monthly offer of her body for my sexual gratification. Gee thanks. I accepted this as normal, hoping one day things would improve, somehow, some way.

Several nights a week, she would tell me to move off the couch to the chair so she could enjoy the couch alone while we watched TV together. Maybe we could share the couch, and actually touch one another? Crazy talk. This went on for years as the kids grew, and I buried my needs for physical affection. I relied on my pets for physical affection.

Fast forward to last Summer. I took a periodic stress test ordered by my cardiologist. As I finished my test, I felt like all was good, I got no information from the nurses running the test. Later that evening I get a call from my Dr. telling me he wants me in for another heart cath procedure. WOW. Did not see this coming at all.

Two weeks later, my wife and I briefly talk as I'm preparing for my procedure. I received a two second hug, and a peck on the cheek from my her as we left the house for the hospital. Three hours later, I have multiple stents installed in my LAD, which was near 85% blocked. In just a short span of years, my atherosclerosis had gained rapidly, in spite of a better diet and required meds. I was floored.

Upon returning from the hospital after an overnight stay alone (I told her to go home to rest), the next morning she arrives to bring me home. Within fifteen minutes of being home, I ask my wife to sit with me for some physical touch, on the couch. Unbelievably, she explains that she is busy with work, but then says "well, OK, ugh". In this moment, I realize my future is not with her. She then sits on the couch, leaning her back on me, with her arms crossed. No words are offered from her. After about 45 seconds, I say "OK, thanks". No words from her as she gets up to finish making her coffee.

I had a dramatic moment of clarity that morning. A lack of affection over years and years can inflict serious heart damage. I can't prove it, but I know it to be true. I left the house six weeks later after making plans. It was a shock to her when I called a last meeting to discuss our future, apart.

The talk was difficult, but easy at the same time. My mind was made up. I was immediately liberated. Now, almost twelve months later, my blood pressure has dropped to the healthy range, my peace of mind has increased exponentially, and I'm hopeful of green shoots in a new relationship that shows promise.

During a follow up, my cardiologist remarked on my improved health; I was quick to tell him that my medicine was a prescription that only I could write, he said nothing, but the nonverbal response from him was of understanding, as I explained my situation.

Going forward, I seek to have a respectful relationship with my former spouse, for I believe she just didn't understand what I needed, even when I shared. She is not a malicious person. I hope she finds a new partner that is a better match, or whatever happiness she seeks. I share this story in the hopes that others who might be in a similar situation should take stock of what's really important. Fuck accepting the status quo, if it's killing you. I have a few more years in me!