I'm seeking advice from those that have made it through.

Background: I'm almost 2 years into a settled divorce. Kids 50/50 and aside from issuing the odd reminder that my ex doesn't call the shots with me anymore, relations with their mum are civil. We both live in the same town and have a balanced system of out-of-court custody. She has a partner who arrived 6 months post-split whom I haven't met, but he seems to be good with the kids. They don't as of yet live together. It's inevitable that time will bring change to this presently balanced situation and I will deal with it as and when it arrives. I imgine it will involve their mum wanting to move further away and have the kids during the week.

I suffered initially as much as we all appear to have done, with a great deal of suffering, anger, jealousy- an emotional rollercoaster. I realised that I had given myself over almost completely to her and her life. After the split, it was starkly apparent how non-existent my support network of friends and my own life really was. I hit the bottle and other substances, and wallowed in bitterness and resentment. Time and a great deal of introspection has played it's part in moving on from that response and the healing journey is well underway. I take therapy and try to be grateful for the positives in my life.

I feel I have done all the 'right' things given my very isolated existence (I work from home). I joined a group PT gym club and work out 3 times a week with other people, we periodically socialize together though I wouldn't say they are my 'people'. I plan socials with the few friends I do have around and plan those well in advance to avoid too much time alone. I run on the days I don't hit the gym. I eat well and enjoy meal planning/batch cooking. I read more and enjoy the new freedom to pursue my interests in music, movies, nature, gardening etc.

But I have to admit that I feel like I have completely flatlined. Nothing bothers me too much - but at the same time nothing excites me. A lot of energy seems to be exerted into keeping lonliness and isolation at bay, a feeling like I'm running on the spot making no real progress anywhere. At age 42, it feels extremely difficult to build new friendship groups and it's beginning to grind me down a bit.

There is a real phenomena where socialising with other parents (as was the case when I was with the kids mum) simply doesn't happen any more as the dad. You simply don't get approached for kids playdates or for meals (no-one's inviting a 3rd wheel round!) and on the occasional 'dad' social nights, it's very much their escape from their own couple-dom, with conversations to match. I do socialize with some of the dads on their own, but it's very much them to me. They want to come and escape in my life for a brief moment, but they don't want me in theirs (divorce is catching you know!). Now I'm not massively fussed on the socializing with parents scene really, I feel I'm growing beyond it as a 'single' but I do recognize that it's one of the core ways new friends have been made in recent years as a parent and I suppose I'm at a loss as to the alternative.

I have dated 2 women since separating via the apps. One of them ending I found quite difficult. I also find it difficult to present myself as a product and engage in that world of check-list verification. And the micro-rejections as matches go cold... its bad news all round. I have felt of late that it might be a very, very long time before someone else would come into my life. I just get a feeling in my gut that womankind is agreed to simply giving me a wide bearth. Whatever it is I have to offer, I really feel that it's of no interest to anyone. And so it goes...

So to those out there who've made a positive new life for themselves - have you experienced a similar 'flat-lining', a spot where nothing bad is happening but nothing good either? How did my middle aged brothers deal with building a new social group? How does companionship make its way back into our lives?

Thanks for reading ✌