I don’t even know where to begin. We married as kids. Mormon kids. We hardly dated before we were married and living together. In those earliest weeks and months I saw her symptoms but didn’t know what it was. She didn’t either apparently. I reacted negatively (just surprised and confused. Not mean). From that moment forward her nervous system registered me as a threat. As the years went on, my attempts to understand, console, and “help” were all rejected. So whenever she had anxiety about something, I became bitter and resentful. It was an awful negative feedback loop. I wanted to help but I was protecting myself from rejection so I usually didn’t.

I’m not a doctor but I also think she has some ADHD, and perfectionist tendencies. This wicked trio made her difficult to live with. In many ways she was high functioning, so no one else besides me and my kids really saw this side of her. She functioned fine in the world socially. Her anxiety often looked like anger and irritability at home. It was unpredictable yet predictable. I began learning what would set her off and so I became hyper vigilant. I over functioned to compensate for her underfunctioning. I played constant interference to try to prevent her overwhelm.

Picking out clothing at the store would make her anxious. It had to be perfect in all ways and on clearance. If it wasn’t cheap and perfect, her anxiety kept her from buying. Picking an outfit for a date with me often turned into a full blown crisis. Not a good way to start a date. She had anxiety around spending money, so she would say and stress that she wanted xyz thing, but never buy it. And then feel sad about not having it. She would order the cheapest menu items at restaurants because ordering what she really wanted made her anxious. So then she had a meal she didn’t really want and would be sad about it. Technology/computers are overwhelming for her so she has avoided them, which has really handicapped her employment options. She was a teacher, but quit after 3 years because of the stress and anxiety (understandable). But then spent 8 months unemployed, convincing herself and me that she was unqualified for everything. She finally got work as a part time fitness trainer, making a third of her earning potential. If she didn’t get exercise or the right amount of exercise in a day, she would get down on herself and become anxious. If she ate foods she thought were unhealthy, she would self loathe and become anxious/depressed. I could go on and on and on. None of these things taken separately are grounds for ending a marriage. But 20 years of these same predictable patterns wore me down. I told her and I told myself: I need peace. And I need a partner. I never felt like I could ask her to share in the mental load of anything even remotely technical in nature because I knew it would overwhelm her. I felt alone. I felt like I had a dependent, in addition to my kids. The hardest part was she was unwilling to name it. She did start going to therapy, but I was not involved. I don’t know what was discussed. I was never recruited in as a part of her team. There was never any diagnosis.

She said that her emotional experiences were normal and that I was an uncaring partner for being impatient and frustrated when her emotions would disrupt the peace in our home and in our marriage. Her anxiety and overwhelm were not debilitating, but they made her insufferable to be around. And she insisted on being in communal spaces when she was feeling upset. She wouldn’t leave, and the rest of us were not allowed to either, because that felt like rejection to her.

We went to marriage therapy and I tried to tactfully and carefully raise my concerns. We spent a couple sessions talking about all this, until after one session she was visibly angry. I asked what was going on and she said she wasn’t interested in continuing therapy if it was just going to be about “why I suck.” She said she felt cornered and put on the spot. She wanted to say what she wanted and needed from me, but didn’t take the opportunity to do so in the session. So we quit therapy and I just fell into despair. She showed very little interest in changing any of these unhealthy patterns and behaviors and insisted that I was the one who just couldn’t tolerate someone else’s feelings. A very toxic interpersonal dynamic between us.

Life went on until our anniversary. Things had been a little rocky in the weeks leading up, but we decided to book a hotel (I did) and go to dinner. She had a massive outfit crisis ON OUR ANNIVERSARY and something in me just broke. I got pretty depressed about it all, feeling like I would never have a stable partner at my side in life. My pessimism grew over months and I finally said I was struggling to want to stay married. She felt indignant and unjustly rejected. She insisted I was the one who needed to accept her unconditionally. She said she felt judged and like she had to hustle for love in our marriage. A few months ago I said I was done. I felt totally hopeless we would ever understand one another.

Now, time has gone by. We’re separated. The tension is gone and I feel like I’ve ruined my family and my life. I was truly unhappy in the marriage. That was real, but it feels like we should have kept trying therapy. I just don’t know where it would have gotten us.

I am so sad. So lost. And so angry that we didn’t have the tools or the skills or the language to name what was happening, making IT the enemy instead of one another. I’ve asked her if we can try again and she is a firm NO. She insists she is not “broken” and doesn’t need to be fixed.

She doesn’t make much money, so this will impoverish all of us. We’ll have to sell the home and destabilize the kids. She doesn’t understand spreadsheets or numbers, so we can’t do mediation. We have to get attorneys. This is all just so fucked. I blame myself. I feel like a better partner could have had more patience and understanding for her challenges. And I was not that partner. Now someone else will be. And I hate myself for that. She made my life so hard, so often. Why do I miss her so much and want her back so badly?

20 years. 20. Fucking. Years.