How to properly vet men, & not go by potential? + How do deal with the heartbreak if values etc don't align?

Wife_and_Mama · 2026-04-13T15:11:49+00:00

This seems to be a variation on a frequent post we get from Gen Z that goes something like this: "How do I avoid wasting my time? I don't want to go on a hundred dates to meet the right man. I want to meet my husband quickly and start my life." As a Millennial, I won't claim my generation isn't also obsessed with instant gratification. We've just largely found our husbands if we wanted them, so we're not asking this _anymore._

The fact is, there are no assurances in life, not just dating, especially the early dating phase. When you're ready to date, I find women have the best luck with an abundance mentality for meeting men. Go out with friends, be friendly and look cute. Join clubs, hobby groups, church groups, and yes, even date online if you're having trouble meeting people in those ways, but don't give up the in-person interactions when you can find them. Meet as many men who might be decent matches as you can and listen. When a guy you meet on a hike with friends tells you he wants to try out van life for 10 years do not choose him to star in your suburban 8-5 fantasy. When a guy has great pictures on his profile, an adorable dog, and suggests a fun date do not ignore him when he says he wants casual.

Some men might lie to get laid, but most of the time, a man who just wants sex doesn't want the hassle of some sweet girl crying in front of his roommates because she wanted to get married and have babies with him. Most men will tell you what they want from the start. It's when feelings get involved that they start being vague to avoid ending things. Meet men. Listen to them when they tell you what they want. Be honest about what you want. Do not play the cool girl and act like casual is okay with you if it's not. That's going to be your best tactic right now, because there are no guarantees. You're going to go out with time wasters, because that's just how dating works and you're incredibly unlikely to meet your husband right off the bat. It's up to you decide how much time you allow them to waste.

Jdizza12 · 2026-04-13T15:31:46+00:00

Ask male figures that you trust - that have proven that trust. I know some women may not always like that advice but men know the difference between potential and flash.

Plus men know how men are - what they'll potentially say or do to get laid -- or if a standup guy or not.

TheFeminineFrame · 2026-04-13T10:57:26+00:00

I have made a post of some general vetting guidelines. Some things might be obvious right off the bat, especially if you have a strong sense of self, and other things might take a little more time to flesh out but you should be able to get a sense without wasting years on someone who isn’t good for you.

https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/s/6mhWot3nhU

Ruffleafewfeathers · 2026-04-13T21:03:07+00:00

Wife_and_Mama has written great advice in her comment on how to cultivate the right mindset and be successful in finding a good partner by having an abundance mindset, so I’m going to second her advice.

The only thing I feel needs to be added is that at 21, it’s likely that you will need to choose based on “potential” unless you date significantly older men, which comes with its own set of risks. Where women often go wrong is that they invent potential based off a man’s words alone (and sometimes not even with that as evidence) rather than their actions. I knew my now husband was going to be successful and a provider when he was dirt poor because he has always been an incredibly hard worker, extremely generous, was already working towards his career goals (which would later become extremely lucrative financially), and always stayed true to his word and principles. We are now happily married with two kids and he has shown my faith in him and his potential was well founded. But the key is to be honest with yourself about if his actions line up with his words and not inventing ‘potential’ where there is none.

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2026-04-16T19:53:09+00:00

The only advice I can think of is don’t stay with someone you don’t want to marry as he is. If anything comes up that makes you realize you wouldn’t marry him if he asked you, then just leave. Obviously this is after some time to get to know each other, but you shouldn’t be with someone if there is something that would have to change for the relationship to work out. Don’t waste time trying to fix relationships when you’re not married.

Jenneapolis · 2026-04-13T01:57:04+00:00

There is unfortunately no trick to tell right off the bat if he’s a fit. Of course he can do things right off the bat that exclude him (red flags) but if there’s potential, the only way to know is to give it time.

RPW accept that heartbreak it part of it and that to build a relationship requires risk of our hearts. I recommend reading Surrendered Single (we had a book club last summer where I summarized it you can find on my profile or via search).

AutoModerator · 2026-04-12T23:52:13+00:00

Title: How to properly vet men, & not go by potential? + How do deal with the heartbreak if values etc don't align?

Author xo_pearl_princessxox

Full text: I'm about to be 21, I'm in NO rush, to date or get married anytime soon.

Although, I want to ensure I won't end up in "situationships" or anything that would just waste my time and cause heartache that **could be avoided**

in other words I want to be smart and INTENTIONAL when it comes to dating.

I'm not super strict - I just know I want a masculine man (I don't mean extreme, - Just a man who sees that I'm a woman and not the same as him, and cherishes that?! The same way I do with him + sees I'm softer than him)

I also like when he's a bit protective of me (healthily) and wants to provide.

And of course emotional intelligence is a BIG deal I've learnt.

I dated before and learnt some lessons.

I have learnt to use logic more now in dating, but somerimes I forget lol, so I want to find ways to right off the bat be able to tell if he's a good match for me etc etc.

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2026-04-12T23:52:13+00:00

Thank you for posting to RPW. Here are a couple reminders:

If you are seeking relationship advice. Make sure you are answering the guidelines for asking for advice on the rules page. Include any relevant context regarding religion, culture, living arrangements/LDRs, or other information that will help commenters.
Do not delete your post once you have your answers. Others may have the same question!
You must participate in your own post. If you put up a post and disappear, it will be removed.
We are not here for non-participants to study us. If you are writing a paper or just curious, read our sidebar and wiki and old posts.
Men are not allowed to ask questions and generally discouraged from participating unless they are older, partnered and have Red Pill experience.
Within the last year, RedPillWomen has had over half a dozen 'Banned from 'x' subreddit' post for commenting/subscribing to RPW. Moving forwards, the mods will remove these types of posts: 1, 2, 3, 4. We recommend you make a RPW specific account.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Title	How to properly vet men, & not go by potential? + How do deal with the heartbreak if values etc don't align?
Author	xo_pearl_princessxox
Upvotes	17
Comments	10
Date	April 12, 2026 11:52 PM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1sjunqt/how_to_properly_vet_men_not_go_by_potential_how/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-properly-vet-men-not-go-by-potential-how-do.1577797 https://theredarchive.com/post/1577797

Comments