Good morning all. Firstly I just want say you and I will get through this! It’s tough. But you and I will get through it.

This is what happened to me.

I am 41 and I met someone 19 years ago, fell in love. I am not going to lie to myself and say I didnt love her. Probably always will. After all she is the mother of my child. But after being at the complete bottom and honestly wanting to end it all. I choose life but most importantly I choose to be me and the man I know I was/can be.

Só it’s important to say I cheated. I did. The shame I feel over this was so difficult to release. It was wrong and I have hurt the person I was supposed to love. But also I hurt myself. Then on top of that I lied about it. I WAS (this I’d important to remember, every single day) a complete piece of shit. However, we are all humans and there is always reasons….. my wife had a very tough upbringing. And has always been incredibly insecure. I have really tried to support her through this. I really have. Doing all the things you are supposed to do. Being nice, telling her I love her, being a great Dad. But honestly our relationship has been toxic as hell right from the word go. Arguements about taking to women, questioning about phone calls. Little put downs, little digs about what I am wearing. Taking fun out of my hobbies all the things that I’m sure a lot of you have gone through. Withholding emotional support etc etc. Over time I tried to be the person I thought (important) she wanted me to be. And I completely lost who I actually was. I used to wear polo shirts because I thought she liked them, used to get my hair cut the way I thought she would like it. Lots of little things that over time completely eroded who I actually was. And the more I got emotionally rejected the harder I tried to please. In every argument my feelings were rejected and I never pushed hard enough because I felt rejected. The lack of trust right from the word go meant I ended up pulling away from my family, away from my friends. Not because she ever asked me too, but because I thought that would stop arguments, We talked. Never properly. We listened. Never properly.
And in the end I imploded. Why did I do it. Because deep down I wanted to destroy it all, I was so low, lost all sense of self worth and needed an emotional attachment. The truth is our relationship has been a piece of shit for years. But the biggest mistake I ever made was not being who I truly am. Who I can be and the man that, that woman fell in love with. When I look back at it and everything that happened, I know I have been a piece of shit. But she has been a piece of shit. Our relationship has been a piece of shit. The reason for that are we were só scared we would lose each other because we had both been hurt in the past. We had hurt each other in the past and tried again. However when you choose to heal, I believe you can actually let go. She never has learned to let go. We both lost who we truly are. We both treated each other badly. I am ashamed of the way I acted. I hold my hands up and admit I was wrong. But I also understand that truthfully that isn’t who I am. I was a product of the situation I was in but importantly I allowed and actually encouraged myself to be in. NEVER AGAIN will I allow myself to lose who I am.

Basically I truly believe our relationship would only ever have finished this way. Not because I AM a piece of shit. But because every time I tried to be who she wanted me to be and I got rejected, I lost a little bit more of myself. I allowed that to happen.

I know we will never be together. I wouldn’t want to be back with her. I need emotional support in my life. I believe everyone has the ability to give this. But to get through this you have to choose to want help, you have to choose to let go of the shame, you have to choose to want to heal, you have to choose to live. I have, what scares me the most is that she never will, she has never chosen to heal. I hope I am wrong and she choose to. Not because I want to get back together but because she is the mother of our 15 year old daughter who currently feels she has no emotional attachment too. I want her to be happy. I have let go of the hate. I have let go of the anger.

But most importantly I WILL BE THE MAN I AM AND THE MAN LOST. I know there will be ups and downs. I know I will feel sad, guilt, loss, shame and fear. This is because I am a human and a man.
But I choose life. And so should all of you!
Get in a gym, get out in to the world, learn to be alone, but most importantly we all have to learn to heal and actually love ourselves before we can truly find happiness.