Looking for advice from guys who have been through this.
I’m an active duty Army officer with two young kids (2.5 and 1). I’ve been married for several years, and for the last year or two I feel like my marriage has steadily deteriorated.
I’ve spent a long time trying to make it work, but I’m mentally exhausted.

The biggest issues for me are:
I don’t feel respected.
I don’t feel appreciated.
I don’t feel supported as a partner.
I feel blamed for almost everything that goes wrong.
I rarely receive an apology or accountability.

Whenever I bring up something that’s hurting me, the conversation usually turns into everything I’m doing wrong. I leave feeling guilty instead of heard.
As a father, I feel like I’m the default parent whenever I’m home. I usually:
get up with the kids,
make breakfast,
handle naps when I’m off work,
do bedtime,
and try to give my wife breaks whenever I can.

What hurts is that I don’t feel that same support in return. I honestly can’t remember the last time she said, “You’re exhausted, go rest. I’ve got the kids.”

A few examples that have really stuck with me:
After I drove almost 19 hours with a trailer to move a load of our belongings to Kansas (something we agreed to because she was worried everything wouldn’t fit during our PCS), she called and asked:
“Do you feel stupid for not doing it my way?”
Instead of asking how I was doing after the drive, I felt criticized.
During another difficult day with our toddler, she texted me:
“I’m buying restraints for him.”
“He is being tied to the bed.”
“He needs bed restraints.”
She has also said:
“He’s lucky he’s too old for the fire station or I’d drop him off.”

She believes our son is significantly behind developmentally. I brought my concerns to his pediatrician at his last appointment, and the pediatrician told us his development and behavior were appropriate for his age. I told my wife I’d gladly have him evaluated again because I’d rather follow medical advice than argue.

Whenever I try to discuss my needs—respect, appreciation, support, teamwork, or communication—she often becomes defensive and says I’m always telling her she’s wrong.
Recently she told me she doesn’t feel emotionally safe with me and believes I’m emotionally abusive. I genuinely don’t see myself that way. I’ve been trying to stay calm, avoid yelling, and keep conversations respectful, but I also recognize that everyone has blind spots. That’s one reason I’m posting here.
We’re planning to start counseling after we move to Kansas.

My current plan is to give counseling and the move about 60 days. I’m not expecting perfection, but I need to see consistent changes like:
respectful communication,
accountability from both of us,
willingness to apologize,
teamwork in parenting,
and real effort in therapy.
If nothing changes, I think divorce is probably where this ends.
My biggest concern is my kids. I love being a dad more than anything, and if we divorce, I want to remain a very active father. I also worry that my son is emotionally abused by her.

For those of you who have been through divorce:
Does this sound like a marriage that still has a realistic chance?
At what point did you know you were done?
What do you wish you had done before filing?
As a dad, what should I be doing now to prepare if divorce becomes inevitable?
I’m looking for honest feedback—even if you think I’m missing something or need to hear a different perspective. I want to make the best decision for myself and, more importantly, for my kids.