I tried being red pill, then gave up. Tried again. Gave up. I'm consistently lifting for a few weeks, giving up completely for a few. I'm 19, finishing high school, not performing nearly up to my potential (actually pretty smart but can not commit to studying for the life of me, still got good grades though). I feel like shit. Worthless, without potential, unlikable, unfuckable.

There is so much and I feel like I can do so little. I feel like I am acting RP to some extent (not giving an inch to whining bitches, being assertive and demanding - and getting - respect in most relationships) but my BP past and childhood romantic trauma always get the best of me.

  • I had been rejected harshly several times in elementary school, doing blue pill stuff while being low SMV, left huge marks. I never got any looks or attention outside of HB3s (that did change a bit in high school), which I really hoped aren't my level
  • I had one sexual partner so far in my life, my ex, who I dumped, who I'm still fucking (not healthy I believe), but have severe performance anxiety leading to premature ejaculation - if I don't jack off 1-2 times the day I fuck her I will probably come within a thrust or two or even in my pants, which I feel terribly embarrassed about and can't fuck anyone except the ex, whom I know and trust, seriously, thinking of fucking any other chick terrifies me since PE could happen (would happen) and if word got out, well bye bye SMV. With the ex though I just go down on her or make out with her after cumming for the first time and the second time lasts 30+ minutes so we're still both satisfied, still other chicks don't know me and would probably would look at me as their god if I'd dominate them all night long, then finish within a second of fucking them...
  • I am borderline albino. Doubt there is much to do about that either, the only thing I always think of doing is dyeing my eyebrows, but I am always afraid it's "gay" so end up not touching them
  • I have acne on the sides of my jaw, really can't seem to end the problem, despite washing with products and taking zync
  • My lower jaw is a bit too far back and it really doesn't look good, plus my nose is pointy and with a lack of (visible) eyebrows and acne on the sides it does not look good from the side, at all. I know "appearance doesn't matter that much", you shall say, but fuck you why do I have to always play this game on hard mode?
  • I keep losing motivation for lifting. I'm doing it for two weeks, then find an excuse and not go for a month.
  • I am 5'10, which is not terrible at all but still, one more thing not to benefit me
  • I feel like few people genuinely love me. I don't really trust anyone, outside of strangers on the internet of course
  • I am an athlete (injured for over a year now, though), so my body was always very fit. Fitness-wise, I am still more fit than 90% of chumps out there, so there's that

Please, do not hate on this wall of text. I am willing to admit I am being a pussy, if you're willing to help me at least in some areas.

I mean for fuck's sake, I'm feeling borderline depressed. And that's not me, I'm used to being a warrior because of my athlete past! I need to win and win big in life, feeling like a minuteman albino pug doesn't help a lot. Can I really become alpha? Should I even go monk mode, clear shit up with myself? Please, help me on my journey!