Husband vents insecurities, unsatisfied with any of my responses

dr_warlock · 2016-06-28T22:21:15+00:00

You were shit testing him because he's being insecure and has no direction then places the burden on you. There's nothing wrong with you. Women, nobody, wants to deal with that. Especially women. When a man freaks out, the energy is absorbed by the woman, now she's feeling insecure.

"He's supposed to be leading. Whadafxck?!?"

I don't know you. You may have had or still have some faults to work on, but being RPW won't fix this problem. It's his problem which is becoming your problem by association. Only he can solve it which he probably wont.

Women hate hate haaaaate telling a man how to be a man (understandable). That's what the tests are for. Is he still the man I fell for? Test! Uh-oh, he had a slip before, did he recover? Test! If you have to tell him how it is, he fails automatically. You either get it or you dont.

Not advice, just explanation for understanding. Good luck.

rproller · 2016-06-29T04:46:46+00:00

I can't offer any useful advice because I've never been married, but I wanted to wish you good luck. We're here for you!

blindedbythebrights · 2016-06-29T16:14:15+00:00

I'm going to be burned down for this, but: if doing it the other way around (you dominant and leading, providing structure and him being submissive and cuddly and wanting to talk) worked for the both of you, now might not be the best timing to switch the roles around. Apart from how it "should be" ideally, you also have to think about how it is. And it seems like he is in no shape to lead right now, and therefore isn't ready to transition into a new dynamic with you right now. So to survive as a couple, I would advise you to provide him the emotional comfort he needs. It seems like he needs that, for you to tell him that it will be okay and what he needs to do. You can think of this as a unique way of supporting him in his needs. Which is actually kind of super RP, if you think about it. Don't forget to take extra good care of yourself too, though.

On the other hand, if this lasts and this is not the way you want your relationship to be, it just might be that he's not cut out for what you want and need. If you are anxiety-prone, you would probably want a reassuring husband who actually wants to take control and likes to be in that role. Because right now it seems like neither of you want to be put in that position of responsibility.

ABC_Florida · 2016-06-29T14:10:20+00:00

Does your husband have friends to go out with? Because it seems to me, it would solve your problems.

[deleted] · 2016-06-29T09:43:26+00:00

Embracing and practicing RPW concepts is not an overnight change and you are not likely to see results in your husband overnight either, especially given how long the two of you have been together. There are certain habits and the ways of interacting with one another that are so deeply ingrained in both of you that it could take a long while.

You say your husband is a beta. Well betas can still lead, it just won't be the strong, obvious leadership of an alpha. My husband is someone I would classify as a "greater beta", someone who has leadership qualities and potential but if someone hops in the driver's seat first, he's happy to play second fiddle. The hardest part of my own personal transformation was to not dominate him. For a while it felt like I was walking on eggshells.

Now, I wouldn't dare compare our three year relationship with your 15 year marriage but I eventually after 3 months did see my husband start making changes and stepping up. This will probably take longer for you.

he is afraid he is going to mess up at work and fail at being a good provider.

This fear could be coming from one or two different places. The first place is he has always been insecure about this and always worried but the more likely scenario is that overtime, your words and actions have told him you don't think he's a capable provider and now he is worried about his abilities because you are.

Instead of trying to comfort him with words about his abilities in a world you know nothing about, I would compliment and build up his good character when he gets like this. When he says, "you don't know about this area, I'm not good at it," I would say, "I may not know about x but I know you and you've always proven to be capable and able to take care of a variety of problems." Get specific with parts of his character that are positive. Don't make things up, that will come off as ingenuine and he'll know you're full of it. Remind him of his past successes. Obviously if you haven't had to work once in your marriage, he's done a great job at providing.

I think the turn around in your relationship will be longer than many women here because of the long history in the relationship but I don't think it's impossible. It is truly possible to repair the damage done to your relationship and help him become the man he was when you first met him, perhaps even more of a man. It will take time and definitely patience and resisting old habits on your part. My husband's leadership style is not obvious but once I realized that he is actually leading us, just not in the way I would, I chilled out a lot and it helped us tremendously. So don't bring any expectations of preconceived ideas to the table. Let him discover it for himself.

nonnimoose · 2016-06-29T21:04:50+00:00

I've been married about twice as long as you and was a SAHM for years. I am working now but only make about a third what he does. While my husband is not like yours (always worrying about his job) he does vent his work frustrations to me. While I often respond the way you do (reassurance of positive qualities) I also flat out tell him that if worse came to worst, we'll survive. Even when I wasn't working I'd say - hey, life's short, our happiness/peace of mind is paramount and we as a family will do whatever it takes to make it work. If anything happens, we have X amount saved (I didn't/don't subscribe to the RP theory that the man should handle all finances) and can cut back Y amount to last Z time. If we have to move out of state (for another job), I'm with you. If it would help for me to get a job, I'll do it. We will find a way, don't worry so much.

There's a ton of pressure in being the sole provider. I tried to relieve some of it by showing that the worst case scenario wasn't going to kill us.

If your husband is looking for confirmation that you won't be mad at him, you should really ask yourself why. Do you give him reasons to believe this?

JackHerb · 2016-06-30T14:41:17+00:00

Why being confident with you is a problem? It seems that it bothers you that this behavior is labeled as "beta", rather than an actual dysfunction. You mentioned sex is great...

Title	Husband vents insecurities, unsatisfied with any of my responses
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	3
Comments	17
Date	June 28, 2016 8:58 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/4qbr6n/husband_vents_insecurities_unsatisfied_with_any/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/husband-vents-insecurities-unsatisfied-with-any-of.166856 https://theredarchive.com/post/166856

Comments