After my first breakup, i came to big realisation, what were good and what were bad from that relationship. Many of them were reocuring in my life. When i went deeper it came something like this – weaknesses, immaturity, insecurities, broad nice guy aspects and many trauma(not resolved) related issues, scars and problems. From childhood, then bullying in middle school and wearing all kinds of masks to fit in throughout life while still hanging that pain – being rejected, left alone, insecure, validation seeking, abandonment issues etc. Basically, many of the stuff i went through, from family(home) then schools left big marks now that i have to deal with. As of now, what i’ve got so far – anxieties/depression, disscociation, nonfunctional, stuck in the head(daydreaming), unproductivity, PTSD/CPTSD.

What i did with many years spent on ’self improving’ and being here(PUA, game, RP etc.) was coping, i just coped. My life consisted of reading, implementing not so much, but complete mental masturbation/circle jerk, as you would say hamstering, on hard.

All aspects from this particular sub and approach i used wrongly, not to change myself, but to make the best armor possible that can prevent me from being hurt again. As JBP said ’you have to know that you’re stronger now so possibility of getting traumatized again are minimized’, and he’s kind of right, right? I pretend, i was spectacular phony(still is), i alpha projected, all my frames and shit were to manipulate people and give them an idea of who am i, to be precise, how i wanted them to know me, not who am i exactly, fake it till you make it is my specialisation, so far didn’t make it lol

This is my 2nd week of no self improvement material, no YouTube, no coming here and read(will stick to ask if i need something only when i try it and test it), no surf to make it shorter, no phone anymore and digital stimulation which was helping me hide, especially certain aspects of my life that i didn’t want to look at, while reading and living RP in my head.

Started going to therapy, meditating regularly, doing WHM(wim hof method), journaling, and only thing that i would read, first on the list – nmmng, fixing past shit books, and few game material books

I wanted to make some special post where i would remember everything and make it packed with more information, this just came in right moment and so far this is it, mostly everything i have to say and ask

Some TL;DR could be that if you’re neurotic and fucked up mentaly, really be aware of what you read and do, mostly focus on doing and fuck reading(posts, being on reddit)

Too bad im not in right mindset to implement stuff, to use it as a tool and not coping mechanism to still be stuck in my dream life in my head. My ego is huge, with this mindset i became even more narcisistic with RP literature without having anything to show up for. Im was just plain pretending and showing off like im some shit, in reality totally different, you just had to dig up a little to see that reality

Pretty lost in my dissociations, completely stuck in my head, and for now no knowledge influence me, im going to stick with discipline(forcing myself) and action no matter what, which i’m doing for those two weeks somehow, pushing and don’t want to stop

Has anyone here got themselves in similar situation? If not, but you have some traumas, would you tell what were you doing for it?

Thanks