Disclaimer: I got some beta traits, but the woman told me many times she never got a men who treat her like me. I was beta as fuck when we begin and during this year I made a ton of progress, but the road is still long. I’ve implemented all the TRP principles, trying to do my best. I can say TRP saved my life avoiding me a nervous breakdown

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Recently I’ve ended up a toxic relationship that lasted for about 1 year and I wasn’t able to put it down. I didn’t like the woman, not even close, I got other options but I wasn’t interested in them and everything got more weird every fucking day. One week ago, I got enough of her, during another nonsense fight where she hit me with nasty words deliberately, I stopped the car and tell her to go out. She complied and I drove away. I left her, at least, 2 hours from home by foot. I’ve got no remorse, I’m always calm and I never freak out, so something happened for sure. My head was totally full of her shit and it was the last straw.

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I’m working with a psychoanalyst, who is helping me a lot, digging up the whole shit of my childhood and how it ruined my life completely. Today I’ve come up with an astonishing realization. I stayed with that woman because I wanted to save her. No serious emotion got involved, in fact, I didn’t miss her once during our constant breakups over the course of a year. I didn’t crave to spent time with her, I didn’t crave the sex either and since now, I haven’t got any clue why I decided to continue that shitty relationship.

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She got an horrible life:

- she has a job that isn’t fulfilling and any month she struggle to pay the bills

- she got no friends, literally. The only one she got is 200 kms away

- she haven’t accomplished anything, even if she is 48

- she got no children even if she wanted them many years ago

- she wanted to marry, but even if she had only long stories, she haven’t meet her dream, probably because the men don’t want to marry her

- BPD or narcisistic (I think I should put this tray on top of the list)

- she doesn’t cook, she use the kitchen only to prepare dog’s meals. She eat what her mom prepares her or some junk food from the supermarket. Her fridge is always empty.

- Her house is very very cold, she doesn’t want to turn on the heat

- Her life is annoying and she wanted me to excite her. She got a lot of unspent free time.

- she is a totally clueless under the sheets, she knows it but at the same time she refuse to learn from a younger guy

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I think should be enough… In all this shit, she mentioned many time she wanted to escape, possibly with me in another city.

I’ve never consider that once, things went downhill since day 1, so there’s no point in getting more involved. During this year I’ve become attached obv, I don’t love her obv, but I want to make her life better. I felt a strong desire to help, a really powerful one.

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We decided to talk in person, but I’ve changed my mind and opted for another way to convey a message, a letter. So she can mull over it and probably decide to change her life for good. She doesn’t even opened it, she said, because she isn’t interested in the content. She knows inside it, there’s a reality check of her life and she is afraid of facing it.

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Now I feel completely down, not because I’ve lost her, but because I’ve failed to save her. In this year, I’ve preferred to help her instead of saving myself from my own mess. I’m crushed because she doesn’t want to be helped. I feel her pair, I give her my hand but she doens’t want it. Obv I know people should save themselved, at the end of the day, and not everyone at the rock bottom want to rise up again, but it is very very harsh to see someone’s future so vividly terrbile if she doesn’t change.

Chances are she won’t change, given her age and her strong ego to protect the tiny girl inside. I’m confident that I’ve done 100% of myself, so I got no remorse.

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For a friend, my willingness would be noble, maybe for a girl it is too much.

Have you found yourself in a similar situation where you want to help somebody so much that you lost sight of yourself? What would you have done?