I'm sorry for the wall of text, but I'm in a complicated situation.

School largely defined my life, and school for me means being bullied and excluded. Primary school and high school were both nightmares, and I was bullied for being short, being weak, being smart, that sort of thing. It went so far that I made a conscious decision to give up on life and retreat into my bedroom at the age of 15. The internet and videogames kept me busy and helped me forget that literally nobody wanted anything to do with me.

I'm not fat. I have a decent appearance and take care of myself. But I am weak, and I am short - 5'7" in the netherlands is very short, since the average guy here actually IS 6'2". I was always the smallest kid by a big margin, being the same size as the smallest girls. People got off calling me "smurf" for a long time. Whatever baggage I've managed to get rid of, my self-image has never recovered. But those are all fairly normal things to happen at school. Bullying, isolation, telling yourself you only have to wait so many more years until you're done - other unlucky guys have to go through this too. That's where my parents come in.

My father is batshit crazy and would threaten me with violence if he even thought I said something in the wrong tone. My mother wouldn't stand up to his behaviour at all. She even seemed to support him sometimes, even though behind his back she always made it clear to me she hated him. When things went badly for me at school - friends, grades, whatever - they would get extremely mad at me. My father endlessly blamed me for being bullied, saying I needed to "learn to be social", while my mother quipped such gems as "No wonder nobody likes you". They refused to let me do sports, and since I was smart, it was my job to be good at school. My father literally thought I should be able to get a scholarship for Cambridge, and regularly reminded me of this standard. By the way, he's a high school dropout who works in construction and could barely support our family. I lived in fear of him, his threats, barging into my room unannounced to shout at me, pull my headphones off my head and throw them against the wall, embarrassing me in front of family members. He's batshit crazy, but a tyrant, too.

So I finish high school. With no idea what to do with myself, I took a year out to stay with my parents and work, while figuring out my future.

I had already worked a little when I was 13-16, and back then I was capable of being on my feet all day. But when I found a job as a sales clerk in a local hardware store to fill up my gap year, things went wrong. My body wasn't up to it any more. Something was wrong, and after half an hour of standing in the shop, my feet began to hurt. badly. Every day, it started in my feet, and then the pain spread to my legs and my back, until every step felt like I was walking on bruised feet that sent cold shivers through my whole body. It was impossible to work like this, but stupidly, I still tried to hide the pain and go on. It didn't work out, of course - my boss realized and decided to let me go before my trial period was over.

My parents didn't give a fuck, or they just outright didn't believe my story that I was in pain, because the only thing they cared about is me getting another job ASAP. So I had to seek out medical help by myself. The doctor referred me to several people who all had no idea what was causing this pain whenever I stood up. Even when taking a shower, I ended up standing on one leg at a time just to reduce the pain. Eventually they sent me to a physiotherapist, who made me wear expensive insoles, for which I had to pay for myself - without a job. Nothing helped, and eventually I just gave up. My money quickly ran out and I spent that year isolated in my bedroom, living the NEET life. No social contacts at all.

So all this whining takes me to where I am now. I moved out, across the country for good measure, and tried to start a new life at university. When I got there I started having panic attacks and couldn't deal with the fear of being bullied and excluded again. It's not an unfounded fear, since I still couldn't hold down a job or wait at a bus station without being in pain. It's not that weird to be afraid of other students when I have zero experience with other people, with going out, partying, whatever.

So I lied to my parents that I carried on studying, while trying to get help. And there's just no fucking help anywhere. No physiotherapist can figure out what the fuck is wrong with my body. And somewhere along the line I realized that I was fucked up. That life was horrible every day, that there was nothing I enjoyed or cared for or wanted. Its been five years since I left home. 5 years of this shit.

So now I'm in therapy. Diagnosed with PTSD, major depressive disorder, body dysmorphia, and generalized anxiety disorder. Well, I say I'm in therapy, but really I've just been waiting for therapy for the past two years. Thank Dutch healthcare. It's going to be a while yet.

How does any of this relate to the red pill? Like most guys who can't get laid, it became an obsession for me. Being unable to get a girlfriend really drives home the point that SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME. That I'm undesirable, worthless, not fun, not funny, not worth spending time with. I used to be obsessed with improving myself. Dress well, groom well, get a good haircut, etc. It took me years of this to realize that "not being good enough" by women's standards wasn't the problem. It took me that long to realize that women were doing nothing for me, never had, and never will. That I lived in a world that told me I had every advantage, while giving me none. TRP opened my eyes.

I'm alone. I'm stuck in a small student apartment, broke, waiting for therapy. My mobility is extremely low since I can barely walk anywhere. I have broken off contact with my parents, and the rest of my family lives abroad.

You could say "why not get a job where you can sit down?", and I'd have to say that I'm honestly too scared of people at this point to leave my home. Anxiety and panic attacks rule my life. I have no experience with life, I'm a loser by all standards, and people would quickly catch on if they spent any time with me.

On the outside I look like a normal guy. Small and weak, but normal. But this burden in my head, the powerlessness of waiting for therapy, it's getting to me. I don't even go to doctors or physiotherapists any more, and just accept that I'm going to be in pain whenever I stand up.

So here I am, desperately asking you, TRP. Where can I even start with my life? Do I have any options at all?