I fear death. I think about it almost daily. I'm 25 now, and for the first time in my life I actually feel mortal.

This has led me to unhappiness with my life, because I know I am going to die, and I hate myself for living a life I don't want.

I have a career in IT. I've been with a startup for 5 years that has grown well, and has compensated me very well. I have a lot of nice things, but like a typical American I allowed myself to get into some debt, and live paycheck to paycheck (though with the help of /r/personalfinance and /r/financialindependence I have started to reverse this).

But when people ask me what I do for a living, I hate answering. I feel emasculated and disappointed at the words coming out of my mouth. "I sit at a desk and waste hours researching ways to escape this waste of life." That's the real answer about what I do for a living.

I've considered military enlistment. I posted several reddit threads about it. I talked to my family.

I've considered selling all of my possessions and taking to the road as a long-term low-budget traveler. I posted several reddit threads about it. I talked to my family.

I applied for a career position as a firefighter/paramedic (I'm a volunteer firefighter/paramedic right now) but withdrew from the process several times after being enticed by the money of my IT career.

I feel like a man without a mission. I feel disconnected from my own life, I feel very little passion for anything. My job drains me, the gym drains me, keeping up with my house drains me, my volunteering drains me. I haven't found a source of recharging in a long time.

I know that I don't want this life, but I've just kept things on autopilot because flying this thing manually is a lot more difficult.

I'm applying for jobs as a remote paramedic, on oil rigs, on ships and in foreign countries. I'm saving money so I can maybe take a sabbatical and just travel.

I really just want the time to pursue things in my life that I truly want. I want to focus on improving my physicality. I want to look in the mirror and be truly satisfied. I want to improve my jiu jitsu. I want to travel and see the world. I want to go to bed at night exhausted but satisfied from my labor, not anxious about the things I didn't get done that will bug me tomorrow.

I think in short, I just want out of this American Nightmare where I waste my life in traffic and behind a desk. The people who are winning in life are the ones who are pursuing their dreams and their missions. I am losing, and it eats at me daily because I know it.

What the fuck does a man without a mission do?