I have seen this issue come up a few times here, most recently this morning. I have learned the hard way that reacting is unattractive and breeds more problems, but responding resolves issues without losing momentum. These may not be perfect dictionary definitions, but this may do more to clarify the point:

  • Reacting - instinctual patterned behavior, usually based on emotional investment in a stimulus

  • Response - informational communication or assertion, usually based on a desired outcome

Not only have I seen this in many other people, but I have experienced it myself countless times. Reacting to what your spouse says or does teaches her that she can manipulate you. My wife very early in our marriage learned what buttons to push to get me to react the way that she wanted. As a result, like a good beta, I let her get her way while I became predictable, boring, and unattractive.

When I realized what was going on several years ago I stopped reacting altogether. Instead, I followed STFU better than any man who has ever lived. This infuriated my wife because I was applying it where it didn't belong. My non-reactiveness was a step in the right direction, but my non-responsiveness showed her that while I would not let her control me I was not willing to lead or rule over her either.

STFU is a great tactic in its proper place. But when there is an issue on the table that actually matters to you, your wife needs you to take charge, even if this goes against what she is proposing. Since I started responding to her suggestions, thoughts, and tantrums, rather than reacting or emotionally shutting down and withdrawing, she is much more willing to follow my lead. Because I stopped reacting, she stopped trying to manipulate me, seeing that it would not work. Because I stop shutting down, she started following me because I was actually proposing a better plan and she realized that the issue was important to me, whereas shutting down makes her think that I don't care enough about her, the family, or the issue to take a couple minutes to think about it and make a decision myself.

This was probably the first of the red pill concepts I started following in my marriage several years ago. It is the single most effective tool I have found at resolving arguments quickly, while also moving the relationship forward in the direction I intend to take it.