LTR wants to go to her grandmothers city for christmas, I want to go to my grandmothers.

helpxyz · 2015-12-07T08:31:55+00:00

you are so gay. seriously. so fucking gay.

my wife is going to see her parents. i'm going off to SE asia for a x-mas/NYE vacation. you know how we decided that? we decided what we wanted as individuals and figured out if that could work.

seriously. you're so fucking gay.

-"she wants me to go to her grandmothers". there's what she wants.

-"I want to go to my grandmothers."

jesus. it's like you fuckers want to go out of your way to make this shit incredibly hard by coming up with all sorts of bullshit why you don't want to do things her way, as if the way she wants to do things somehow trumps what you want to do.

"nah. I want to go to my grandmothers."

fucking pansy ass fuck.

FearDearg2015 · 2015-12-07T12:54:32+00:00

Can I say something like: "I went to your grandmothers for her birthday and I went to your fathers for his birthday, I know you went to my grandmothers for Christmas last year, but I can only see my grandmother once a year, your grandmother lives closer to you, if you want to go see her thats fine but I will go see my grandmother for Christmas".

Of course you can say that. Who's gonna stop you? The biggest issue I think you have is that you some how think it matters what you say. It doesn't. Anything beyond a simple assertive declaration of your intentions means that you are pussy footing around, and probably afraid of how she will react. She's gonna react however she wants to. Cut the noise from your suggested "approach" and you end up with what /u/whinemoreplease said. There is no need to dress it up with a lot of explanation or rationalisation. Doing so just weakens your position. It makes your assertive statement sound like a question. Like you are asking for permission. Are you asking for permission? If so, live with the consequences that you might not get permission (and also, recognise that your balls are probably the size of a grain of sand each).

If you are not asking for permission, and you are instead stating your intentions clearly as a captain to your first mate, then live with the consequences that she might not like that. Ask her to suggest a workable compromise maybe, and then decide whether it really is workable.

If you choose to go see her family, then live with that choice as one that you made, not one that she "forced" you to make. Nobody can "force" you not to see your grandparents (normally)

spexer · 2015-12-07T17:20:42+00:00

this belongs in askmrp.

keep in mind, MRP is primarily about sexual strategy in marriage. this is not a relationship column.

with that in mind, here is some advice.

Take her wants and desires into consideration. Think about what you feel would be just and fair (seriously). Then tell her what the plans are as the leader of your relationship. "I have put together the holiday plans. Together we are going to my grandmothers, but then we will travel to your grandmothers for New years" or whatever.

She will give you feedback, and push the boundaries. Let her know you will considerate it (and then honestly considerate it). Let her know what you decide.

2015-12-07T13:01:35+00:00

Whinemoreplease had it, filter free.

You're trying to control what she does in this case.

Wasted effort

You can only control what you do. Don't be afraid to make her mad, or make her leave. The former shouldn't concern you, and the latter is doing you a favour

Redneck001 · 2015-12-07T13:41:21+00:00

My wife and I used to do shit like this, keeping score.of who went where x amount of times. Usually ended up with seething resentment by one of us, because I wanted to go surfing that day instead, or she wanted to be somewhere else. Just doesn't work.

Go where you want to go. Same for her.

Now that I do what I want, I find myself going to her family's shit more often. And having a good time. Because I'm doing what I want to do, and so is she.

Keep it simple.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-12-07T16:22:50+00:00

The Captain makes the decision but it needs to be based at least in part on what is best for his crew. That is what we call "leadership."

I am not sure I would recommend splitting up for just your second Christmas together. In my family we always hold two Christmases, and we often travel on both Christmas day and Christmas Eve. The roads are almost empty those days.

If that is what you want to do- i.e. make everybody happy- then make it happen. The kids love it because they get two present openings.

Trekneck · 2015-12-07T13:16:50+00:00

What can/should you say/do? You've already stated what you want, you can and should tell her that you're going to your gma's, it will make you happy and that you'd like to do your own special thing afterwards, xmas night for you both.

What you will do? This might just get a bunch of responses, but you've already failed this, and it's clear you're too afraid of her to stick to your guns and do what you want. You'll go with her to her grandma's, solely because you don't seem to have the ability to make your needs/wants known and follow through with them. Further, you don't seem to have the tools necessary to deal with her BS should you decide to go to your own gma's house, or you wouldn't be here asking for help with this simple situation.

Go do what YOU want to do, since that probably isn't what's going to happen, make it your xmas present to yourself to start and finish No More Mr Nice Guy and When I Say No I Feel Guilty. Then, celebrate your own personal Hanukkah by reading the rest of the sidebar.

dasnoob · 2015-12-07T22:05:12+00:00

You aren't even married yet. Before we were married I told my wife I was spending time with my family and she was welcome to come but if she wasn't there that was fine with me. This continued the entire time we were together before marriage (about 8 years).

Tae-gun · 2015-12-10T05:20:22+00:00

Your first mistake was telling her "let's split Christmas." She clearly believes the two of you are a single unit (moving in together - which, depending on who you ask, is another mistake - tends to reinforce that sort of belief), and setting conditions like you did in your example statement only turns it into an ultimatum. If you want to lead, convince the others - by your own example - to want to follow your lead. Setting down ultimatums right off the bat is generally a good way to achieve the opposite effect.

I don't know if either you or your SO is religious, but let's not forget that the holiday season is first and foremost a religious observance, and therefore bears more weight than a birthday.

In a straight tally, the two of you seeing your grandmother last Christmas and New Year counts as two events. You going to see her grandmother for her birthday and her father for his birthday also counts as two events total, so on paper, it might look like the two of you are even. But like I said, the holidays for some people bear more emotional/spiritual weight and so she can spin it against you and make it appear that you are in fact ahead (such that "it's only fair" that you go with her this time - and I don't mean to be cruel, but you had it coming).

A major problem with trying to establish a new power dynamic in a relationship around something like this (that can be counted) is that it turns into a numbers game. There is no "victory" in a situation like this. Even if you break even, she may still resent you for sticking to this, and now she has a tally to point to in the event that things go sour. If the numbers are in her favor (more family visits that she wanted), you have obviously "lost." If the numbers are in your favor, since it is clear that you have yet to establish primacy in your relationship, you risk her resentment; if you do not know when to cut your losses, this will ironically cause you to diminish because you'll be making up for her resentment for the non-holiday portion (i.e. the majority) of the year.

A leader leads by example and good teamwork, not by simply negating the other part(s) of the team. A good leader is always, always, always cognizant of power dynamics but doesn't make this obvious (splitting the holidays at your point in your relationship is an obvious attempt at trying to break even, and therefore an inherently weak maneuver), instead cherry-picking the important things on which to make a firm stand. A good leader is also not only cognizant of his own motives, but at least somewhat sensitive to the motives of others on his team, and knows how to work with (some would say manipulate)/around those motives to achieve success as a team. Good teammates sometimes recognize this and admire effective leadership more, but a good leader does not care whether or not this is noticed - he mostly cares that effective results are achieved as efficiently as possible.

I ask you: why exactly are you saying no to your SO this holiday season? If you're saying no just to say no, then you're doing it wrong and I would tell you to bite the bullet on this one and go with her, and maybe use it as leverage for next time. If you're saying no because you never used to say no and now you want practice, I would say this is a terrible time to start experimenting with some of the RP advice (not all of which is good at all times - proper application/finesse and timing is crucial to the success of any strategy/philosophy, which is seemingly lost on so many people these days). As the two of you are living together, the fact that her grandmother lives closer to her also means she lives closer to you; bringing this up will only make you look like an idiot, and strengthen her argument that the distance is reason enough not to incur further expenditure on trips taken separately. While we're on the subject of "why," you should also ask yourself why it's so important that either of you visit your grandmother for the holidays. Are there other family members involved (if you were truly an effective leader, you should view the opportunity for face-time with her family as an additional chance to gain leverage she cannot resist, and limit her visits with your family for precisely the same reason)? You should always be careful about picking which hills to make your stand, so ask yourself: why are you making your particular stand here?

Title	LTR wants to go to her grandmothers city for christmas, I want to go to my grandmothers.
Author	helpxyz
Upvotes	1
Comments	21
Date	December 7, 2015 8:25 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3vrown/ltr_wants_to_go_to_her_grandmothers_city_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/ltr-wants-to-go-to-her-grandmothers-city-for.200627 https://theredarchive.com/post/200627

Comments