Typically making dinner is her "job." It's just one of those de facto jobs that she's settled into. My "job" after dinner is to clean up the aftermath of dinner: dining room cleared, dishes in dish washer, pots and pans hand scrubbed, kitchen cleaned, things out away, counter cleaned, etc.

At this point in the night the kids get a bath from her and then everyone settles down as we approach bed time.

Last night the dishwasher was run and tonight, after dinner, I noticed that it was not emptied. This isn't typically anyone's "job;" whoever happens to get it gets it. Tonight would have been my turn because I suppose I discovered it. When I opened it, she was in the kitchen and I said, "oh, the dishwasher isn't emptied." She responded, "nope" and then went and sat on the couch. No bath to night because they got an after pool shower after swim practice.

I commenced clearing the table, cleaning it, washed the big non washer dishes, rinsed the crap off of the dish washer bound dishes, stacked them neatly in the sink, cleaned the counters, dried the big stuff and put them away, I watered my plants, emptied the food bin into my compost bin and then got my stuff ready to go to the gym.

I didn't unload the dishwasher because she's off work for the summer (teacher) and is basically a SAHM.

after the gym I got home and the dishwasher wasn't emptied still, she was laying in bed flicking her phone, the kids were calm, but awake. She looked at me and went back to her phone. I got undressed and got in the shower, bathed, got ready for bed and went and sat on the couch to read. She came down to get some water, opened the dishwasher, closed it, and said, "you didn't finish your nightly duties after dinner." When she went upstairs i unloaded the dishwasher real quiet so she wouldn't hear. Then I went to bed.

In the morning I didn't say anything to her as I got ready for work. Later that day she texted, "I guess I get the silent treatment because I didn't unload the dishwasher?" I ignored it... OI and all. Later she texted me a question about the kids but Ignored that too. When I got home she didn't speak to me and I didn't speak to her. I didn't eat dinner with her and later I decided it was stupid so I tried to initiate sex but she said she was tired. So I said "fine, I'm going out." And then I left. She sent a bunch of texts about how I was being a baby and an asshole. I ignored them. Later I came home and went to bed but she was awake and tried to argue but I ignored and her and she left the room and I fell asleep

And that is how all that would have ended if I had a covert contract. Everything in italics is a fabrication; A parable.

This is what actually happened:

I did leave the dishes stacked and I did not unload the dishwasher. I went upstairs to get ready for the gym.

My intention was to ask her, "please unload the dishwasher so I can finish my clean up when I get back." Issue a kiss, and be on my way. If she refused I was going to issue a kiss, say thanks and be on my way.

As I was changing I heard her unloading the dishwasher. I looked in the mirror and smiled.

I went downstairs on my way out, said "thank you for unloading that", went to kiss her, and saw the look on her face: it was that of a child who didn't want to do something but was happy daddy said "good job" when she did it. I followed with, "don't worry about that (the dishes in the sink) I will take care of that when I get back." She mumbled something. I don't know what and I don't care.

Why the Parable?

I've been noticing a trend in posts where some of you are still creating covert contracts in their marriages. I wanted to illustrate what one looked like... One so glaring that even the first day lurker can see how ridiculous this looks.

Had I gone down that road that scenario is exactly how it would play out... and has before..

For the most part I have my marriage together again but a complacent Marine forgets his helmet and takes shrapnel to the brain bowl. I never rest and am always on the lookout for one those little touchstone moments that go misread or unnoticed. This was one of them.

The Takeaway

I could have easily just not said anything and made a covert contract, but I had told myself I will bring it up before I leave and I will do it tactfully and respectfully... I can't be mad now... Nothing has happened yet.

By simply requesting what you want done it takes a huge weight off of you. It puts that burden on her to comply or say no. Only then can you have a reaction.

However, in my case, I had made a simple mention the that it wasn't unloaded. she fulfilled the unrequested expectation.

You will find that this happens more and more often as your wife submits to the new you and realizes that you aren't to be walked on and you are directing things well. Captains don't tell the crew to do every job... The crew just knows what the expectations are. Only when they slack, when the Captain gets complacent, do they need to be reminded.

Summary

A covert contract is the result of not immediately addressing unfulfilled unrequested expectations.