Alright guys it's been 4 months since my last post and 10 months since discovering the pill. Looking for a little feedback on where I am at now. Probably going to victim puke here so forgive me but just going to vent a bit.

Current stats:

  • Height: 6'
  • Weight: 184 (down from 238)
  • Squat: 200
  • Bench: 140
  • Overhead Press: 100
  • Deadlift: 225
  • Row: 135

Long story short, this bitch ain't breaking. I'm top 1% of 1% financially, have a ton of great friends that I do fun things with all of the time, am in the best shape of my life and getting better, and hold a high status leadership position in a popular company. As I have focused on myself other girls have come out of the woodwork and out of stubbornness and pride more than anything else I have remained fully loyal and haven't cheated. (I don't want to be known as "the cheater" to my kids, family, and friends for the rest of my life.) Kids love me and I do fun things with them every week.

Regarding her - it seems like with every step forward I make she digs her heels of hatred and resentment in deeper. She is constantly pissed off/stressed out/angry and I can feel her hatred for me 75%+ of the time. I'm a catch-all for her negativity. I feel like I am applying all of the standard teachings for passing shit tests with at least a B+ effort and quality but am still getting D- or F results. No comfort tests so far. So fucking stubborn! Her attitude makes it super hard for me to try to game her while I am finding myself gaming the other women in my life with ease.

Regarding raw SMV, I'm around a 6.5 now and she's around a 7.5 who can boost up to an 8.5 when applying all of the magic tricks. I keep telling myself that I can't be a little bitch and complain until my SMV is higher than hers. My theoretical max may be around 7.5-8.0 (will take another year or two to get there) so I may not get higher than her until the knife of time starts dealing damage to her. Maybe I fucked up and leveraged status to marry outside of my natural range.

Maybe I'm a fucking faggot and I just can't see it. They say women are a mirror. Maybe my mirror is cracked? Maybe I am actually the shit and my cracked mirror is making me see a distorted and worse version of myself. I think I am worthy of an order of magnitude of better treatment and respect. Maybe she has clinical depression or some shit and maybe her brain is fucked. Maybe I'm using the pill as a giant covert contract to fix my marriage.

Thinking more about divorcing but trying to being patient with myself and the process. If we didn't have kids it would have already been gg and I would be the fuck out. But I really love my kids and don't want to see them every other weekend and summers. I love her too (fuck me, right?). We've been through some shit together and its mainly the last year and a half that things have really been bad. It's depressing as shit carrying these thoughts around and being in a horrible relationship. Lifting and trying to apply stoicism help but fuck this is super hard. I fall asleep unhappy most nights. It's super hard to try to love someone who hates you, and only harder when other women are reaching out with open arms.

The ideal is to have a great relationship with my wife and kids to keep my family together. I don't want to kill the puppy but I know I can't live like this for another year. Has anyone been here? Am I fucked or is there light at the end of the tunnel?

I'm stalled out and stuck in the snow. Can anyone help me try to dig myself out and get back on the road?