I'm sorry if this is a inappropriate topic to post about. This is the only community I really feel safe talking to about this. If needed, I will delete this post.

I'm 16, but I was 15 when it happened. I had an experience in December with a person I trusted. They threatened to hurt themself and me if I stopped talking to them and it was very scary. I'm really small and I knew he could easily hurt me. I stopped talking to him after a while (I had to leave my highschool and job and block all my friends who were also friends with him).

I only talk to a small group of people I've known since middle school or family members now. I even blocked some of my closest friends because they reminded me of him.

I thought I got over it after a couple of months, but I think I just shoved it down and now it has come back up and it is a lot worse than before. How do I deal with this? I feel like this is negatively affecting me and my relationship (we are about to reach our two year anniversary in October). He is really sweet and kind and knows about what happened. I don't want to hurt him in any way. We want to get married in the future.

My self-worth has gone down, I am extremely paranoid, I have trust issues, and can nolonger be near blonde men or men who look vaguely like him without being scared. It has also brought back my depression and anxiety. I nolonger trust myself with decisions and have to ask my boyfriend before I do things do that I feel safe.

I sometimes have nightmares about what happened or remember in the middle of the day and just lay in bed all day or begin binge eating to try to feel happy.

My mom is trying to get me a therapist, but is there anything I can do outside of therapy to work on it? I'm trying to get a job again so I can get out of the house (homeschooled) and get over my paranoia and anxiety. I'm doing my best to continue to take care of myself and get a good education, though it is very hard. I'm also trying to journal to work through my feelings.

What can I do? Has anyone here had an experience like this before? Am I used?