I can hold eye contact. I’m really good at it. I can always win a staring contest. So that is a strength of mine, the eye contact thing. I’m not making it a competition I’m just practicing it.

Well, it’s been like 2 years that I’ve been practicing it and I still hate it.

I hate how people look shocked when I look in their eyes. Sometimes it’s like they do a double take or something. I feel like it’s too intense.

It feels like I’m attacking people. Like I just punched you in the face by looking in your eyes.

But it seems to me like everyone looks in everyone else’s eyes. I’m watching other conversations, and from my perspective it doesn’t seem to be causing them any awkwardness.

But the fucking INSTANT I look into a lot of peoples eyes, they look shocked, taken aback, I don’t know. It’s weird! I feel weird as soon as that shit happens. It makes me question what the fuck I’m doing wrong. How come other people can have eye contact but when I do it, it seems to send a jolt through that other person. Like I’m starting to feel depressed about it because even though I’ve been working on it very hard for so long I still feel like shit about it.

I just hate the way people react to it. Even when I’m having a friendly conversation, if I get really into it, I’ll forget to look away and then I realize they are looking away a lot while talking and I’m like “oh shit, I better look away a bit too so They don’t feel so uncomfortable!” And then I have to think about it and consciously look away periodically. But I suppose that’s not as bad as that initial shock that seems to happen so much.

It’s not so bad with women. I know girls get nervous, and I kinda like making them nervous, especially when they I see they are feeling intimidated but are like oh so totally eager to keep talking to me despite looking like they are about to run in fear lol.

But sometimes I start feeling like it’s too much. I start to think that I need to tone it down and so I start regulating my eye contact and I feel awkward. But even then, how can I regulate anything when often times the other person gets that shocked reaction straight away?

I already know the response “you’re over thinking it!” Which is why I never asked this question for so long. I keep thinking I’m over thinking it. It’s my anxiety it’s whatever. I figured as I continue to read TRP I will gain a deeper understanding of eye contact and why people act so weird when I look into their eyes.

But I’ve literally just read about it and it didn’t help. So now I’m here.

I have only 1 theory why people may be acting so weird. It’s the only theory I have, I’m not trying to puff myself up or anything. I hate to admit it but apparently I’m attractive. I had a terribly fucked up childhood and life so I’ve always believed I was hideous. Well, at this point I’m pretty much forced to admit that I am attractive, I won’t go into detail how I now know whereas before I didn’t, but I have enough evidence now that I’m forced to admit it. I just need some damn help and it sucks but I feel like I have to tell the whole honest truth and story if anyone is gonna be able to suggest any help for me.

Anyways I think maybe that’s what it is. I notice that even guys will sometimes notice my presence and suddenly act awkward even though we aren’t even interacting. For example I was walking into Walmart with my sister recently, guy walking in as well a little ahead notices me. He’s a cool looking young guy with some swag looking clothes and all that. instantly his walking gets weird and he starts acting a little funny. I could tell he felt awkward because, well, I felt that way my whole life and now that I’ve improved my social capabilities so much, I can identify awkwardness from a mile away. It wasn’t cuz of my sister I’d like to think it was but I know it wasn’t lol.

Also guys will guard their girlfriends around me. I even have memories of this happening when I was totally socially retarded awkward and terrified of speaking to other human beings. I didn’t know why these guys were acting weird but now lookig back I see they were guarding their girls from me. Until they realized I was a total social retard and then the dynamic always changed and they would label me as gay or w/e. I’ve literally been approached by girls in clubs, they talk to me for a minute and go “oh you’re gay” and walk away. Me being so shy and awkward id just stand there and hate myself as they walked away.

I was kinda hoping to type all this out and come to a realization and then not need to post it and delete it instead but I still am not feeling right about this fucking eye contact shit!

So please if anyone has anything to relate to me your experiences with teaching yourself eye contact or your journey or something?