Heather Havrilesky at Ask Polly corrects a hamster's hamst via Jezebel

This came as a major surprise to me. A hamster writes to Jezebel to complain how beta her husband is, and how she is finding it harder and harder to tolerate.

She's reflecting upon her days on the carousel, complaining how her betahusband doesn't compare to the dark triad alphas she had in her heyday.

An advice seeker calling herself a "Frustrated Housewife" laments that she's always been attracted to the tall, dark and handsome types, but now finds herself married to a guy "about the same size as me and completely nonthreatening."

Here is whats she writes:

Here is my problem. I'm so bored and frustrated with this man. He is so beta, he won't make any decisions or plans or take responsibility for anything. I find myself longing for an alpha man. We live in a pretty traditional area and are surrounded by traditional relationships but at our home I am the one who wears the pants and I hate it. I don't want to be the one who makes all the decisions, it's exhausting! I want a man to lead me. I have tried to gently ask him to be more of a leader in our household and he's made a few references to having trouble leading because I don't follow, but when I try to submit I feel like we are a captainless ship. My husband just doesn't lead the household.

Now... here's the kicker. I have NEVER seen ANYTHING like this on Jezebel, EVER. If I had an imgur account, i'd snap a screenshot and archive it in case this article is taken down for its deviation from what one would expect to come out of the hamsters at Jezebel.

...Ready? The author quotes a lady referred to as "Polly", who replies to the hamster with utter disdain:

If you don't want to wear the pants, then take the fucking pants off.

…your husband works full-time, he's good to your kid, he always wants to please you, and instead of just making him a list of repairs that need to be done, or telling him he's in charge of the vacuuming from now on, or that you want him to dominate you in the sack, you're characterizing him as "girly" and "beta" and "non-confident"?

FUCK THAT NOISE.

You have a fantasy of some kind of cowboy leader-provider. And hey, who doesn't? What woman alive isn't partially poisoned by that nugget of heteronormative fool's gold? But you need to wake the fuck up and listen to me: A cowboy leader-provider-protector is a fantasy.

Of course, she's not perfect by any measure, but given her previous quotes I can forgive this one to a certain degree (again, she is at least trying to keep this beta getting laid and not divorce raped)

I don't believe for a second that what you really want is an alpha male. Most alpha males are just giant bags of endless insecurity with a lot of defensiveness and anger covering it all up.

I'm actually quite impressed, I've never come across such sentiments on Jezebel. I wonder who this "Ask Polly" lady Heather Havrilesky is.

What sticks out most, to me, is that the hamster calls her beta "completely nonthreatening". There you go-- what does this tell us: they need tension, dread... and... threatening? Bahaha. Surely she just likes to be lightly threatened in the sack, but not by her beta boy who has no idea of her desire to be manhandled by an aloof alpha who gives not a shit about her.

Edit after reading the comments of the above linked article, I find a very astute observation which... hmm.. I wonder its veracity:

He is so beta, he won't make any decisions or plans or take responsibility for anything. I find myself longing for an alpha man.

This is setting off my troll alert like whoa. Like I've never heard women use the terms alpha and beta for anything other than making fun of PAUs and weird fanfic. Like even when they're complaining about this sort of thing, the language is more "he's indecisive and wimpy" and "I want someone assertive" Am I totally off here?

I'd say there is a decent chance it's a "troll" (the good kind), but Polly's replies are still priceless.