60 y.o, married at 22, still married same woman.

TLDR summary: can a man be sexually attractive to a woman (resulting in frequent quality sex) AND be her provider of comfort, relationship, and goods in an LTR? If so, how? Or, are they fundamentally mutually exclusive?

​

Sex was light in the early years, but by the 30's dried out to very little. At age 41 in the middle of a successful executive career I started fucking around extensively, probably 70 women of various types over the next 8 years, some pro's, some married women, some single women. Wife busted me late in that cycle using a private investigator. She'd been asking for marriage counseling for years; at that point when she said "are we going to talk about this?" I said yes...once we arrive in the M.C. office.

She didn't leave me (we had a young son, and both of us were committed to him first and foremost, and both believe strongly that a two parent household is far better for a child). We started counseling. Early on I remember her saying in our bedroom "I should cut your balls off!". Serious anger as you might expect.

Then things got "interesting". She suddenly started fucking me. A LOT. It became as much as 7 nights a week, or if it was less, it was "only" 4 nights a week. At the same time she started exercising vigorously, got very fit and thin, and started going out salsa dancing all the time (ALL the time) on her own (I hate salsa dancing...and she knew that). So "secretly" I was thinking "wow, this is awesome I had 8 years of sex and now that I'm busted...I'm finally getting great sex at home!".

Well, as you might expect, over month that frequency dropped, and dropped, and it got back to "rarely", then "almost never" (which I define as sex every couple months). Meanwhile, her being out so much of the time in the evenings was getting more than tiresome, when she would leave without me home leaving our then 6 year old alone (albeit in bed theoretically asleep) I was not happy and said so.

We went through 3+ years of expensive counseling. Through much of it I heard from her whining about how I'd gotten to have "all those experiences" but not poor her. After a year of that and her indicating she just didn't know how to "get experience", I offered to set her up so she could get fucked by another man. And we did that, with me asking and getting her "yes I want to" at EVERY step of the way. So in a hotel in Reno she had a black dude come and meet her, and as it turned out they didn't fuck but he "gave her a massage" (don't know if head was involved but she generally doesn't like head so ???), and she gave him a blowjob. I'm fairly certain he popped his nut in her mouth, for what that's worth. Later we "shared all" about it with marriage counselor, and she represented it as a positive experience, but concluded "I don't want to do that again, it's too dangerous".

Well, now it's about 6 years later and I'm going nuts for some sex. Started learning game, dated a 20 year old last fall (ended just short of a bj., long story not pertinent here), just had a same day meet->evening out with a 31 y.o. (but no same day sex sadly) Wife and I are doing the "marriage counseling talk athon" thing now but without the $250/hour counselor sitting and listening and generally saying nothing. So I've shared with her these things, and that I'm actively working to improve myself and game women with the intent of having sex, because there's just none to be had with her. She's looked through my "Daygame Mastery" book, she has a pretty clear clue as to what it is all about.

So last night I point out how "by definition" she isn't sexually attracted to me, and I ask "what makes you sexually attracted", and in classic RP fashion she describes all the "spending time together, communicating, just snuggling and touching with no expectation of sex" stuff. I point out that of course that is a major need for her and when she gets it it makes her happy...but it DOESN'T generate any attraction on her part, and doesn't address the lack of any sex in our relationship. Of course she says "but its a necessary precondition" effectively. Which I know to be bullshit, as I will share in a moment from actual experience (on top of the theory).

When I tried to pin her down with "so what kind of man/situation actual makes you HORNY, makes you wet, makes you actually feel like possibly having sex" I get vague and hesitant answers around the sexy handsome hollywood stranger image, as you might expect. When I ask her point blank "what do you think about when you masturbate", her response is simple: "that's private". Yes, and it probably reflects what REALLY is sexually attractive to her as well, right?

So I bring up how she sexed me like crazy after she discovered my sexual wandering years earlier, and maybe because she found me "attractive" after that due to my sudden new "bad boy" and independent image to her. She says oh no, that's not why, you don't have all the information.

Oh...really???? And eventually I got her to cough up the missing information. She'd started fucking at least one, and maybe more than one man on the side herself at that time. NEVER shared a word of that in 3+ years of "totally honest" marriage counseling. Represented herself through all of that as "no other experience, you got all of that and I got nothing". From what I've gathered, this relationship(s) (don't know if it was just one or several, doesn't matter) went on for at least a year or two.

For me, it's a perfect example of the usual deal: woman requires the beta male in the relationship to "serve her" needs for comfort, and with compliance there is no real attraction to said provider, while real attraction happens out in the big bad world with some bad boy ready to fuck her "for nothing" (he didn't spend a bunch of time giving her all that comfort shit!).

But of course she can't really understand or accept the true nature of all this, so far. She's just come back at me with "you said you have no sexual desire for me", which is laughable. I send her signals of my sexual desire all the time; she rebuffs them and gives me the "can't we just spend time together and do some nonsexual massage and...and....". She knows damn well I desirous, ready, willing, and able. But she morphs the "you don't want to spend time with me doing non-sexual things" into "you don't desire me".

She also made the charge that she was very unhappy with me "pushing her into that sex" with the black guy in Reno. Say WHAT??? All in response to her clearly expressed in counseling desire for "experiences", all approved by her every single step of the way. When I responded with that, she morphed it to "I don't like that you wanted me to do that." Yup, resents that I would "allow and encourage" her to do what she said she wanted to do. Women!!

The frame I'm trying to hold is simple: I still have sexual market value, and I'm putting myself on the market. If she want to "compete" for me, great. Otherwise, I go to where I can find someone who wants my value. I'm hopeful she steps up to the challenge and we start boinking again. (BTW, I've been doing quite a few things to make myself more physically attractive, including daily pumping of iron for 5 months now, I look great for 60!) But the reality I'm aware of is, that's almost certainly not enough to get her truly attracted. Any advice on how I behave/what I do that can help get this back to (at least part way!) to that period of frequent sex? Why was she fucking me all the time in the early period of her affair(s)? Pity? Guilt? An overflowing sexuality so abundant she'd even give some to her husband? BTW, if she was to start a fresh affair AND start sexing me regularly, I'd be generally okay with that. Whatever it takes. Hey we are both 60 and it's time to enjoy life in whatever way we can.

Sorry this is so long, and I have no clue how to summarize in in a TLDR summary either.

Any advice/input that is constructive is welcome, thanks. Is this as simple as "that's how long term relationships work: you can't be sexually attractive to a woman AND be her provider of comfort, relationship, and goods"? Or is there a way to "provide" and "be" both?