If you check my post history you will see im an emotional wreck, I grew up with no male version to follow, I am a woman in a mans body, sometimes here and there I feel the true man inside me, and its on these times that I make the best progress but I always start questioning myself and doubting myself, and the woman returns.

Im going to try to explain it as short as I can: I had amazing friends up to the 5th grade, but my mom said they were a bad influence and changed my school and told me to stay away from them, the first day of school I felt separated, alone, so I became a loner. Since the 5th grade until 19 years old I walked alone, had 1 or 2 friends, horrible hygiene, social skills, everything. I dressed randomly what my mom gave me, I avoid showers, I have bad face features such as crooked teeth and ugly ass glasses, since I didnt care and my mom didnt either I remained as such. My mom was overprotective, I couldnt leave the house, no field trips, nothing. Church all the time. I didnt and dont believe in god. So I have no real figure to follow, so since I was a little guy I dont have anyone to follow. Nobody. I always feel lost, like I just want to climb but I cant grasp anything.

At 19 my 2 friends had other friends started adding other guys to our skype calls, I hanged with them and we became close. 1 of those guys woke me up, told me wtf are you doing with your life dude? He introduced me to the gym, and started making me question life. I found TRP shortly after. Up until this point my view at life was: "You are not 'normal'. You are ugly, not meant for socializing or the so called 'females'. You are meant to be here to help your parents, be a full time child, and make money." And I was not happy, but not depressed either. I enjoyed comming home and playing video games, eating whatever. Passing days eating cookies only.

But then when TRP came and with the help of my friends, I felt I had the leverage to make a change and that this was 'the real deal'. From 19 to 20 I had only 1 class in high school that I left behind, so lots of free time. I spent that time reading, reading, watching, reading and watching self-improvment, TRP content, asking questions, gym, changing myself. At the end of that year I was not fat, had decent clothes, decent haircut, but still no practise.

At the end of that year I joined college. I felt different, girls looked at me differently, I felt eyes on me that I never felt before, I went heads on. I became popular for the first time. I made so much friends, tried partying, socializing, everything. Thanks for my friend I said fuck you mom and when she told me to be on bed by 9 I told her sure but always went out and learn how the world works.

It was the best time of my life. But I still felt that I was different, that everyone knew what they were doing and I was alone.

Then one day, this cute girl starts texting me on facebook out of nowhere asking random shit, it was the first girl that spoke to me ever like this, I was like "shes just being friendly" so I acted like a friend. I posted on askTRP out of curiosity and you guys told me how to take it from there, I applied your advices and in a week she was in my dorm room without me noticing. The problem is I went until that point following easy advice, not much escalating, just simple stuff. But once there I froze. I felt weird. One side of me was like "just make a move, shes ready" other side was "RED ALERT! RED ALERT! 10 YEARS OF YOU EVERYDAY TELLING YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH ARE HERE!" so I didndt make a move.

Lo and behold, she ghosted me shortly after. I tried for that whole year to get back with her, crying nights how I had failed, crying how I was not meant to exist on this world. I never told anyone besides TRP about this at this point.

The first college year ends. I got IOIs. I got people telling me "you could have fucked her ez she wanted it" on lots of nights out, I didnt make a move on any, I got called gay by chicks, I just didnt do it because I was afraid. It was new stuff for me. I wasnt used to leaving my comfort zone at all. Worst thing I did usually that was outside my comfort zone was calling the pizza delivery guy and sweating while on the phone.

I kinda collected myself during those summer vacations (last summer), and this second year of college begins, I say "this has to be it dude" so first day of class, I see a cutie sitting alone and I make conversation. We hit it off and shes laughing in seconds. I felt like she viewed me as a friend and nothing more in a few seconds so I never did anything more. After a few classes we became project buddies so we meet a lot. We met from october until 3 weeks ago. We had tons of dates, but I had 0 experience on escalating, how things worked, and I was always acting like she was my friend. But every now and then she would give me the 'kiss me' eyes at the end of the date but I never made a move. She recently got frustated at me and she just wanted friends, but I ended all contact with her and blocked her. I had one itis and I had only eyes for her this whole year, all my friends told me "she wants you, just do the move or pick another girl dude" and I was like "nahhhhhh, she just friends" and now when shes gone I feel depressed af.

I could have lost my virginity with a cutie and she was my type 100%, and I made a shit show out of it, I was so autistic even lost friends over it. Friends started ignoring me after seeing how pussy I was. This shit really hurts inside dude. Like for real. I want to kill myself and cry, nothing more.

Why am I like this? Why am I such a train wreck? Why?!

Now after stopping talking to her because oneitis and I made so many posts about her here and every single one of them had the same replies "You are autistic. Move on and stop talking to her". I never listened to any.

One of my most closest friends that probably made me not kill myself a bunch of times, and he doesnt have the minimum idea of this, is just like "I never seen a guy like you, with that fashion, that hair, so funny, such a outgoing vibe and is so afraid of girls" and I just dont know what to do now. Im lost.

Somedays I feel like im too ugly for this world and only pretty boys are worthy. Other days I remember my previous two fuckups of my only female experience and want to kill myself over being so autistic. Other days I feel like im the man, I wake up differently and just want to punch a wall and run for miles, on these days are when I am productive, happy, make plans, go to the gym and beat personal records, but these days are rare and getting rarer by the week. Other days I feel like today, just a zombie, where I question everything I do with "what for? whats the point?"

I just dont know what path to take here. I got rejected by my oneitis after fucking up for months, and it actually made me feel happy for a while because I never felt that emotion and it felt weird. But now I just feel depressed after remembering my fuck ups and dont know what to do:

Approach more girls? Monk mode? Therapy? Make random conversations? I try to man up everytime but just cant do it.

I am a complete train wreck of a shit show, and I want out of it. I just dont know where to start, i've read everything on TRP for years and know the theory but I am missing the practical, but the pratical comes and I fuck up at the easiest parts so it makes me question myself and my existence and if im doing it right, if TRP is right, and I just dont know what to do. Can anyone that relates to this or has a opinion please give me anything for me to look up to and guide me to the point where I can grab the wheel myself and take it from there?