What the fuck is wrong with me, why am I such a beta provider, it's not even funny anymore. I'm such a passive little bitch you should rather squirm than laugh.

I don't know if it's porn that fucked me up (watched it from 12 to 30) or I was fucked up prior to that, most likely a combination of the two.

But at the end of the day, something in me is so utterly squished and broken, i feel i deserve no attention from women whatsoever unless i work hard for it, i feel i have to constantly please them.

You know what's the pinnacle of my cuck career? I just realized like a couple of months ago I feel no pleasure during sex at all. I swear I had been having sex for 10 years and not once has the thought of "sex should be about you too" ever crossed my mind. Sex was all about give give give, give some more, make sure the woman is enjoying and thinks you're amazing, make sure the sex is correctly done. WHAT THE FUCK.

I think in my mind the very act of any woman giving me the privilege to have sex with her meant I had to be eternally thankful and make sure she had chosen well and sees me as something she needs so she doesn't go away to another one.

Like literally...privilege, it's amazing and terribly lucky i haven't ended up a cuck by now because the way I approach the sex situation is very similar to what a cuck is being put through, being told he's not worthy of that woman. Appeasing her by letting her enjoy sex, but not with him, but while he sits by the side, stroking himself. Much like watching porn really.

It's not like women did not want to give me pleasure, it's just that i never even imagined the thought that I am worthy of their attention or of me getting my needs from them.

A very good example of this was my early life experience with escorts. I ended up going to escorts because deep in my mind i knew I was not capable of ending up with a woman, so that was the only option left. I first went there at the age of 20, saw dozens by 24, then stopped.

The gem is that i did not go to escorts to feel good, i went to escorts to confirm to myself i had sex and that i can please them. I used to masturbate before because i had/have PE so my concern is lasting longer to please them. Yes, you heard that right, i paid them to please them and for them to marvel at my sexual prowess. It's important for me for them to consider me sexual, but in my mind i am not sexual, as if being sexual with a woman is the worst of all sins, the gravest of all sins. The only place i could express actual lust was porn, because there was no woman present.

Every time a woman actually shows interest in me i switch to this pathetic role of caregiver and my needs don't matter, as if this is something i should be appreciated for and never left. I don't demand things or when I do I demand them passively, 0 assertiveness. If things don't go my way, i act bitchy and passive aggressive. I always say sorry.

I am out of a 5 year relationship and i am utterly scared I won't find a woman and that no woman is interested in me. In this 5 year relationship, instead of putting forward my needs, i was a bitch and picked on masturbating to turn away from sex because i was not happy where things were going. And i did it subconsciously, cause that's my true beta nature.

I know i am broken but i didn't realize the extent of it till now.

Do any of you relate?