Hello guys, long time lurker here, I want to ask what pointers could you give me to try to act and look more "normal", so I'll give you some info about me:

Sorry if this is pretty damn long, but bear with me.

24 years male, majored in arts, I'm specializing in teaching, I've been diagnosed as schizophrenic (I hear voices that are not there and have delusions of imaginary persecution) most of the times I'm able to keep up, but the stress I have accumulated is really bad, my friends say I look pretty functional to them. I have 4-5 guys I could call friends, even if don't see them often. I grew without seeing my parents most of the time so I'm pretty fine being alone and distant, even if I somehow yearn for connection but not to saturate myself with somebody else, did a lot of heavy drugs in college, specially psychedelics. Right now I'm unemployed, but I hope being able to secure a job in teaching next year when I get my degree. No SO, no LTR, no plates, no girl friends. Maybe I'm too traumatized due to my voices and low self steem.

  1. I already began lifting this month, I know I won't see results yet but I got into not knowing how many exercises to do, so I just try and use most of the machines for the muscle group I'm targeting with the heaviest weight I can lift properly, is this approach right or am I killing my possible gains? I want to look like a fucking greek god, muscular but low fat percentage. Do you know any resources ie. books or blogs that could help or do you have any tips?
  2. With my ilness stress is sometimes pretty bad, sometimes I just want to blow out and destroy everything but I just end bottling all this pent up rage and frustration of being bat shit crazy, it's been four years and I know this won't go away, no drug could help me, heck I even went with a witch just in case, no luck, so I try to be as stoic and absurdist as I can, Do you have any tips or resources to help with high levels of chronics stress? exercise, hobbies and fapping just keep me in check I wanna feel good for once, you don't know how many times I want to off myself in a week. Please don't talk to me about seeinf a therapist, my healthcare provider only have female ones, so I end up bottling most of my most disturbing issue with them.
  3. Continuing from the last, I have a problem with fapping sometimes I'm stressed and just indulge myself too much, the worst thing is that due to the nature of my voices I've ended up looking at amateur teen porn, so I ended up even more disturbed, I feel sometimes pretty bad about it, but girls aged fifteen lately look older than they are, anyways... I hear girls voices calling me all the time, demanding love and attention, which has kind of ruined girls for me, even if I find sexualy appealing women from fifteen to sometimes 40, I'm like too weirded out, let me explain, it's like I like them but it's like I feel no connection, I kinda know how they are, how mean mean and cruel thay can be, how manipulative and straight up abusive, and just can't, it makes me wanna be worse, just pump and dump, but somewhere in my heart I still yearn for a special girl, who's with me through all this mad storm in my head. I don't know, any pointers? Old guys, some wisdom or whatever.
  4. In the same vein, I'm from a city with people with a heavy tendency to be "caribbean, urban" or whatever shit they call themselves, I know I'm not the most profound guy, but I see them just so fucking superficial and vapid, only care about looks and money and they live in a fucking feel good fantasy, lying to themselves, they're mean with those that don't looke like them, their music mostly talk about sex, infidelity, women and drugs in demeaning way, don't get me wrong I know women are not angels, it's fucking 21 century and maybe real love doesn't exist anymore or never existed, and it's law of the jungle ot there, but you know even radio music is like shit nowadays no real feelings. My problem with this people is that, even if I'm pretty uptight sometimes, I feel like I don't belong with them, most of the beatiful girls in my city are like that: pop followers, vapid, don't talk about interesting shit, no real hobbies, they all kinda look the same, all day in their phones and that fucking internet enabled arrogance, man... the problem is the one that actually look interesting are not that sexy, or I never get to see one, Am I falling in the cool girl fallacy? What tips can you give me? Sometimes I feel to alienated and out of it.
  5. In the same spirit, I don't really like having too many friends but I need to learn to socialize better, my friends always say that even if I'm blunt I'm too rough, be aware most of the are kinda too soft for their own good, I wanna be blunt but eloquent enough, not to look socially autistic, even if I don't really care about much people, but I'm an artist and networking is important, I wanna learn how to create new contacts and acquantainces. Books, resources and tips?
  6. Lastly, arts here is pretty damn bad economic sector, at least if you're not famous or strike a good deal, you end up selling your soul painting shitty decorative-industrialized shit or you survive however you can doing all sorts of projects and stuff, that's the reason I'm studying for being a techer, 'cause somehow it looks more stable and they need teachers everywhere. The thing is that I've never taught anybody so I've no experience, as per a post I read here am looking for a volunteering that could grant me some experience, but I wanna see past that and try to look at the future of entertainment, and work into creating artworks for the new VR and AR technologies, most of it I will learn through free or "cracked" tutorials but I wanna get certifications from good places, how difficult to get and expensive is first world education for a southamerican guy? I saw a pretty good master at MIT, but that shit seems too unreal for me, the only other places I saw that have that degree are Harvard and Vienna, how do artist fare in usa an european countries? do they have enough acces to post graduate education?

Thanks for reading, I appreciate any help, yes I pretty fucked up, don't care, just say something to help, even a cheer will suffice.