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Difference between congruence-test and genuine need for help or a task

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October 7, 2019

I've notice that there are times my wife will ask for things from me and sometimes I can see that it's a congruence test (Honey, grab my phone please? No. You have legs, go get it.) but other times she asks for help in ways that seem legitimate (uhhh, help, help, help? What's wrong? The baby just spat up on me, can you get me a wipe? *grabs wipe for her*). Is there a difference? or are these both examples of congruence tests?

I should add, that I generally have no problem with doing a simple favor for her like grabbing her phone, but I recently listened to Donovan Sharp's podcast about rescuing your marriage and he mentioned that you shouldn't get it mixed up that you still have to be a good dad (and I would imagine, by extension, a good husband) but at the same time, I know my wife congruence tests me but it's hard to discern for me as of now which is which.

Post Information
Title Difference between congruence-test and genuine need for help or a task
Author GinoMan2440
Upvotes 3
Comments 3
Date 07 October 2019 02:25 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askRPC
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[–]OsmiumZulu4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

For the most part it’s black and white: does she actually need help or is she asking you to be her butler? If she is asking you to do something she could easily do herself, it’s more than likely a congruence test. As the requested task becomes less and less manageable by her own efforts, it becomes more and more likely a genuine ask for help.

Sometimes it’s grey though. Squishing a spider? Obviously she can do it without much physical effort, but is it easy for her? Probably not emotionally, mentally, or whatever. In such a case I like to treat it as an opportunity to be her hero and to mess with her. Sometimes I will make a big show of vanquishing the dastardly invader, other times I will pick it up and bring it close to her to show her how cool it is and freak her out.

The point is to have fun about this sort of thing, not get caught up in what sort of request it is.

I will leave you with a good quick mental shortcut: if your bratty teenaged daughter or sister asked you to do it, would you? If the answer is no, don’t do it.

[–]Willow-girl1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

In such a case I like to treat it as an opportunity to be her hero

I like this. Sometimes we're exhausted and that leeeetle bit of help is what we need to get over the hump, so to speak.

[–]Red-Curious2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I agree with /u/OsmiumZulu whole-heartedly. Have you read MMSLP yet? It's on our sidebar and he has a section specifically dedicated to this topic.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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