I'm stuck in that limbo where I'm no longer beta but not yet alpha. Ever since I ended my LDR and killed the beta me in 2017, I've done some crazy alpha shit that beta me could never even dream of. I've fucked as many women as my age (28), from a few 4s to lots of 6s and 7s to one 8 and two 9s. I've become excellent in bed. I've had sex on the first date multiple times. I've had one night stands. I've had public sex multiple times, including as one of the one night stands. I've had a sugar mama (my age and a 5, so not attractive but certainly not ugly) who never outright gave me money, but would take me to 4/5 star hotels, let me double/triple order at nice restaurants, and even gave me free flight tickets to go on trips abroad with her.

All of this, and yet the one thing I really really want, I can't have. I can't plate or even fuck 9s. Sure, I've fucked two of them, but that was back in 2017 when I was just starting. Since then I've became a serious lurker on TRP, started lifting, traveled to and even moved to different countries where a blond white American like me is treated like royalty, and... crickets. I can meet and fuck lots of 6s and 7s, but 9s? No chance. I see them on the street, browse them on Tinder, even match with them sometimes, but getting that first date is impossible.

I finally had a date in November in Southeast Asia. I went out with this girl who looked like a 7 on her Tinder photos, but turned out to be an absolute babe in person. I started writing about the date in detail, but fuck it, not worth it. Bottom line is, I have a great success rate with turning first dates into second dates (it's actually getting that first date that I'm pretty bad at), and I thought this one went great, but she ended up never replying to the message/question I sent the next morning. I think it's because she wanted a serious relationship and knew I would leave the country in a week, but still. After all these years I finally got my chance, and I blew it. Jan 1st I randomly decide to hit her up on Instagram to wish her happy new year, and this time she's very responsive sending lots of smiley faces. After 3-4 messages I ask her "how has tinder been? Gone out with any other cool boys after you met me?" And she says "Yes. I met an english man, and now he's my boyfriend :) His name's Chris." ..... bro who the fuck is chris. Get the fuck outta here. I'm smarter, more handsome, and better in bed than this fucker. It's probably some 40yo bald rich beta fuck. This shit drives me up the wall. I know that TRP advocates an abundance mentality... and I do have an abundance mentality/reality when it comes to normal girls... but it's hard to have an abundance mentality (toward seriously hot girls) when you have a scarcity reality.

But yeah, it's just nuts. 90% of guys would kill to have three years like the ones I've had. And yet I can't be happy. Because the one thing I want - seriously hot top 10% type chicks - I absolutely can't have. Sometimes I wish I could be happy with a 6 looks 10 personality girl like most guys can. I've had that before. But it's boring. I fuck the same girl two or three times and I get bored. I constantly need to chase someone new.

And trust me, I've lurked TRP long enough to know what the answer is. Go lift for a year, then cold approach 100 girls until I start to have some idea of what to say to them in person so I can stop relying on Tinder so much. I get the idea, but damn. I don't know.

And I know the other thing TRP will say. That I see these 8s and 9s and psyche myself out and fuck it up or something. But trust me, I do the exact same shit for the 8s and 9s that I do for the 6s and 7s. Like I said, I thought that date had gone great. Now I'll admit I'm not the most fun or playful guys. But this shit works on plenty of 6s and 7s! Why can't it work on one or two 9s? Isn't attraction subjective?? Isn't beauty on the eye of the beholder?? Can't a guy catch a break??

And yeah I know the last thing TRP will say. Don't put the pussy in the pedestal, take a break, follow your passion. Well, I don't have a fucking passion. This is my fucking passion. This is my life. This is what drove a lot of the decisions I've made in life. Nothing else is interesting. Literally nothing else. I couldn't care less about making music. I couldn't care less about starting a business (actually, it would be nice, but the financial risk and insanely long hours don't seem worth it). I couldn't care less about climbing mountains. I couldn't care less about getting a hot body or gaining confidence or increasing the number in my dumbbells (except for the part where doing this makes chicks attracted to me). What else are your guys' passions? Tell me so that I can explain to you that I can't give two fucks about it. I guess if I had to pick a passion it would be traveling - does that count? But even then, I'm not really passionate about it, not like "real travelers." it's just something that I like doing and have been fortunate enough to be able to do.

And the funny thing is, I'm not a sex addict. I used to be a porn addict, but I quit masturbating in 2017, and I'm not a sex addict. I don't care about sex. I've never paid for a hooker in my life, even though I've lived in countries where they're pretty cheap. And like I said, I fuck the same 7 a few times and I get bored. I guess I'm just addicted to making girls be sexually attracted to me. I'm addicted to the thrill of the hunt.

Sorry for the wall of text, but thank you for reading it. And this is AskTRP, so I'll leave off with a question. Am I broken? Is my personality just not in line with my goals? Is all that's left for me a life of fucking 6s and 7s in third world countries, but never a 9? Or am I almost there, and just need to take a few more steps to finally attain the life I've always wanted?