Before anything else, no i did not just watch fight club and want to re-enact it in any way this is more purely for a way to improve my inner strength.

So for the longest time I've been meaning to find a way to start boxing not to get any anger out or anything but as form of meditation, training, and self control. The art of it is more appealing some times than the physical training i get from it. Any ways, as much i want to get better at it I live too far from any arenas or boxing gyms (also the ones even remotely close are very expensive in downtown) and what I've been stuck with is a gym with a punching bag.

After a while of doing it realized i need more adrenaline, i need someone throwing jabs back at me, i need people to fucking hit me almost to like wake me up and get me going. I reminisced one day of that amazing feeling i would get whenever i fought when i was younger. I've really only ever been in like 5 fist fights with only 2 of them being mutually aggressive but I wish i could have that intensity and what i like to call the "alpha sensation" back in my life. My father grew up in a very dangerous country where, though he was the one doing the fighting, he knows the serious precautions that could lead from fighting (incarcerated, dead, handicapped, kicked out of school). And in order to avoid screwing my life over for some win against people that weren't worth my time, i changed my tendencies to avoid that. I hate that i did because i feel i gradually became more of a bitch that even some could begin to see and its fucked up my ability to stand up for myself. I went from fighting almost everyday with a kid in elementary school (which by the way we became good friends only because we realized we actually enjoyed fighting each other so much that the only reason we held on to any animosity with each other was to keep fighting) to finding myself in hs holding myself back from fights because we were on school grounds, or the kid would bring all his friends, or the kid would have a dangerous older brother, etc.. It pisses me off that I can't have a solid fight with someone without getting someone or something else involved nowadays for pure protection. I've never had the intention to seriously harm or even kill someone but sometimes when a dudes acting up it feels like its the only way.

Regardless, of all the negative stigma towards fighting no one whose fought can deny that fighting is a great way to release any fear or resistance in you and if done properly without all the background bullshit can make you a more honorable man. So my question to all of you is how do I get back into a fighting environment not necessarily to kill or be killed but to spar and get that intensity out. Do any of you still get into fights? I wish i could find a group of men that see fighting from my perspective but i feel almost everyone is too sensitive to want to.

I want it to be street fighting rather than boxing for two reasons; - boxing is very lethal compared to street fighting - i'd be getting concussions repeatedly until i get to the same technique level as the people i'd assume i would find boxing