I think most of us here would consider ourselves nice, kind people. We have our causes, we help others when we can, and we do what we can to leave this world a better place.

Mulling it over, I believe that being a HVW does not mean giving up being a considerate, caring person. What it means is realizing there’s levels of kindness that you can show, ranging from cold civility to the warm blanket of love. (There are cases where niceness as a whole goes out the window, but that’s a different thread. And in that case, learning how to “SING” is very helpful.)

For example, this sh*tstain I used to work with. Constantly mansplaining, stalking female coworkers of color, being a general prick - and I had to work with him. He was the level of cold civility. I would interact only as much as I needed for work. I didn’t smile. I didn’t act jovial to lighten the mood. I treated him professionally and curtly, giving him only the modicum of kindness he deserved (and even less respect than that).

This cold civility is exactly what you should use when vetting a man. You are polite, you are kind (to a point), but you do not raise the temperature until you are absolutely certain that he deserves your kindness. Don’t give him morsels when he lovebombs - treat every interaction cautiously. If he starts to treat you like a therapist, the kindest thing to do is say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Here’s the listing for all the licensed therapists in the area.” Your kindness knows no bounds, except for when it’s being taken from you with nothing given in return.

Pickmes and former pickmes reading this, being HV does not mean being cold - it means using your kindness calculatingly. Be kind to those who need it, because LVM/NVM do not need it, nor deserve it. And if you struggle with this, find a cause with which to volunteer, as it honestly will help make you a more well-rounded person.

Male lurkers: you are not owed our kindness, our courtesy, and any other facet of our decency.