I've had a realization that over the past year since swallowing the pill that my mental language has changed drastically in regards to how I view myself and masculinity.

Firstly, a brief summary of my childhood: I was raised by a strict, conservative, anxious, mentally unstable mother. I remember constantly being given advice that the world was a scary and dangerous place. Every time I wanted to leave the house and enjoy time with friends I was bombarded with warnings about getting injured, mixing with the wrong crowd, being kidnapped and never returning home. Every time a sex scene was shown on TV I had my eyes covered and was told how disgusting it is. Men who were walking around the street were labelled as "bad" because of their size and the volume of their voice. My Saturday mornings of sleeping in were interrupted by loud and sudden bangings on my bedroom door and commands to get up, do chores and study as if my very survival depended on it. When I was caught masturbating I was shamed and told never to do it again. My mothers anxiety and insecurity was taken out on my father and he was constantly accused of being a lying, misogynistic, lazy, cheater despite the fact that none of it was true and I now view him as a calm, carefree, committed, hard working husband. My formative years consisted of subtle shaming and demeaning of men for simply being men and I was unable to see how hard working and stoic my father was in the face of emotional abuse. Despite this, I also realize that my father is non confrontational and risk-avoidant and his view of fatherhood is limited towards being a beta bux. I was never given advice on how the world works and my sense of purpose in life was simply to not be a bad person. While my parents had their flaws they aren't bad people and my mother in particular has matured greatly in recent years, however I realize that I will never be able to look back on my childhood and see it as a safe and nurturing time when I could comfortably mature as a person.

I realize this upbringing was extremely unhealthy for a young boy. For the longest time I had the mentality of masculinity being a negative concept, something to be ashamed of, something that needed to be controlled and repressed. I was raised to feel that men were awful beings and the world would be a better place without them or me in it.

During my BP days I would always try to distance myself from the behaviour of other boys and men. I would see other guys as try-hards, as immature, as insecure women who were trying to impress others by acting like men.

My mental language would sound something like:
"Other men are violent"
"Other men are criminals"
"Other men are alcoholics"
"Other men are sex addicts"
"Other men are wife beaters"
"Other men are gamblers"
"Other men are players"
"Other men are assholes"

But no, not me, I'm not like those other guys. I'm a nice guy. You can trust me. I'll never do anything to hurt you like the other men will.

During my late teenage years I had the slow and depressing realization that I had an unhealthy upbringing. I was shy, unconfident, ashamed of myself, weak and my greatest strength was that I was sensitive and nice and I wasn't like other guys.

During my late teens and early 20's I had the urge to develop myself into something greater, as I'm sure most people do, however I was lost and confused as to how. I realized that masculinity wasn't such a flaw but for the longest time I saw it as something that wasn't natural, that wasn't 'me'. It was a goal I had to aim for that was tiresome and seemingly illogical.

My mental language during these years was:
"Men are expected to be strong"
"Men are expected to take risks"
"Men are expected to be providers"
"Men are expected to be defenders"
"Men are expected to be leaders"
"Men are expected to be selfless"
"Men are expected to be confrontational"
"Men are expected to be confident"

I was bitter at the idea that I had to act like a man. I remember having many cringe-worthy conversations with my ex-gf about all the expectations of men and how bullshit they are and how much pressure there is to constantly perform. I hated the idea that I had to behave a certain way in order to be successful and happy. Being introduced to the redpill after my gf dumped me (and began sleeping with one of her "just friends" on his "couch") and strung me along for the longest time made me even more aware of how much bullshit is involved in being a man.

"Men are expected to be..." was always at the back of my mind and always it was thought of with frustration and bitterness at how cruel and unfair life is. Too much is expected of me, I'm not like that, its not fair that men have to do this and women get to do this.

It is only recently after about a year of monk mode and experiencing the red pill in all of its stages that I realize my mental language has changed.

I realize that I actually enjoy many aspects of being a man.
"I enjoy taking risks"
"I enjoy feeling strong"
"I enjoy feeling emotionally stable"
"I enjoy having a sense of achievement"
"I enjoy having a calm and sensible argument"
"I enjoy feeling horny"
"I enjoy being able to defend myself and my loved ones"
"I enjoy having savings and being able to provide for others in need"

The idea of masculinity, for me, has slowly evolved from a gruelling and unpleasant checklist to a set of characteristics that are a part of me.

I absolutely love the feeling of investing in shares after weeks of research and planning. I love the feeling of watching my portfolio jump up and down each day and the hope (however slim) of making massive returns. I love the intricacies of price movements and the countless hours of study that can go into learning how the market works. Very few men and even fewer women are willing to be exposed the risk of shares and the typical financial plan for most people is to buy property and pay it off over 30 years and possibly buy another investment property. While investing is a topic that I can talk about for hours, and is one that everyone has their own opinion of, I am able to enjoy the controlled exposure to financial risk and will happily continue with this hobby and see every loss as a learning opportunity. Despite the warnings from nearly every single person I try to have a conversation with about investing, I am firm in my beliefs, my knowledge and my enjoyment of risk.

I love the feeling of physical strength. What first started as something that I'm "supposed to do" is now something that I have an urge to do. Being complimented on my strength is something that I would have never imagined after growing up as a scrawny teenager. I vividly remember having to hold in a breath of air to force my stomach out when in the high school locker room so my holocaust survivor of a body would look slightly less starved of food. Now I have a sense of pride in my strength and feel like I should be the one to leap into danger should my friends or family ever need my help.

I love the feeling of emotional stability. When others are feeling distressed and their minds are fragmented with anxiety, I enjoy being the one who is able to remain calm and collected. I love the thought that my workmates refer to me as the cool, calm guy whereas I had spent my childhood as a nervous wreck and only 18 months ago I was attending therapy for anxiety and depression. I love the feeling of being in a potentially dangerous situation and being able to slowly ease into the fear and enjoy it while others flee or crumble.

I enjoy the feeling of being horny. While controversial in this sub, I have been practicing NoFap on and off in order to feel what its like to have a sex drive. For years my sex drive was constantly being depleted to porn as a daily means of relaxation. I now realize that this, as well as the shaming during childhood, has destroyed my ability to present myself as a sexual being to women. Now I can freely enjoy the mental experience of sexual desire and see it as a moment of excitement during the day which should be enjoyed rather than repressed.

While I do have a long way to go and many years of self improvement ahead of me I feel like I can finally see the journey as an enjoyable experience of ups and downs, of pain and suffering, of wins and losses, rather than a rigid set of rules of how to be a man that I must force upon my self. I've realized that the way I arrange my thoughts and respond to my emotions has improved remarkably in recent months as I begin to embrace the idea of masculinity after spending so much of my life seeing it as a burden and a source of shame. My mental landscape has slowly but clearly evolved from "Other men are" to "Men are expected to" to "I enjoy".