A wonderful example of post-relationship retconning aka 'the lightswitch effect'

This woman's post is a great example of the lightswitch effect and serves as an educational warning of how easily the way someone views you in a relationship (and tells others about you) can change. It is a demonstration about how the woman you cherish can turn your life upside down and hold the smallest infractions (perceived or not) against you despite all of your efforts to meet an increasingly long laundry list of requirements while offering nothing but contempt in return. It is a likely epitaph for this woman's ex-husband's desire to ever pursue commitment again (per Rule 3).

https://i.imgur.com/t5fdBTC.png

This woman admits that her husband was not a bad man up front and that she couldn't find anything that he was doing wrong in the relationship. Despite this, she still told him to do more chores, dragged him to god knows how many hours of pointless marriage counseling, and pointed him to read the DB sub despite her being the one with the hang-up.

Unwilling to do anything herself, she takes the coward's way out by riding her marriage into the ground so that her husband would pull the trigger on the divorce, thus making him the bad guy instead. Cue the pseudo-epiphany: "The reality is that my ex-husband was a total asshole and I was in denial". This type of gem gets thrown in to multiply the entire story by -1 and invert the perspective. The great guy and father of her children was actually a monster. This means that in her mind, anything she did during the marriage that qualified as effort in her mind were for all for naught! Her loving partner has been retconned to his "true colors" as if during/after the divorce he would retain any positive feelings for someone that treated him like shit then ran off to put footprints on the ceiling with someone else. He couldn't possibly just be mad at his ex-wife for her double standards and selfish behavior that he likely endured for years. No, he was a *secret* asshole and she just needed to find the courage to admit it to herself!

What did he do to deserve to be painted in such a light? I'm glad you asked! In the comments she elaborates to skeptics:

It was little things like: I won a huge, national award in my field. His reaction was to ask if my coworker/friend also got one (implying that they just hand these out) and then if I was sure they had the right person (I have a common name). After a few minutes he caught himself and said, "well, congratulations!" So when I brought it up later in marriage counseling, he could honestly say, "What? I congratulated you!"

He would help carry grocery bags for his mom but not for me. Played soccer with other people's kids to put on a show for them but never once with ours. He had to put a reminder on his phone to ask me how my day was after I pointed out that he never bothered. And then he could honestly say in marriage counseling, exasperated, "I ask you EVERY DAY how your day was!"

Every asinine thing in this man's life is being thrown up on the tally board because his wife chooses to read between the lines of every action for implications and snide jabs whether there is anything there or not. Still skeptical? You just can't see it because in her words "He's a very cunning sociopath and he knew how to play me perfectly so that I always blamed myself for our problems. And nothing he did was so overtly bad that I would realize the problem was him." That's right! He would twirl his mustache in glee while he played chess with her mind. It doesn't matter how much effort you put in with people like this, how you carry yourself or how composed you are. There will always be *something* that can be used against you.

Let this be a lesson for younger men about the mercurial nature of women and relationships, even when there are sometimes no red flags leading up to it. The years you've put in together, your history, any import you place on your life, career, communication with one another, kids, etc. It can all be retconned in the blink of an eye. She gives advice to others that "only you can know if you're lying to yourself" despite her supposedly being completely unaware of it herself. How long until she realizes something about her current partner? How long until she retcons him to be a rebound or an asshole or someone that gave her tingles but she just couldn't communicate. How long until the new flavor of the week is subjected to his own litany of Sisyphean tasks in order to maintain her happiness? How long until she ruins the next relationship expecting a safety net in a size, shape and color that isn't offered anymore asking 'Where are all the good men?' while ignoring the emotional devastation wrought in her wake?

Maybe never, she seems to be relishing her decision despite not understanding why her ex treats her like cancer now. But her ex-husband will certainly be less likely to commit from here on out. This is the type of behavior other men experience with ex-girlfriends then see wrecking the lives of other men further along in the commitment process. This is the type of behavior that hardens the hearts of good men.