TL;DR : What appeared to be new interests and simple curiosity has to tell me about my current situation, AKA depression.

Body

I will begin with this really short article centered on a graph showing the proportion of suicide by gender in different countries: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/3639152.stm

Nothing really new for you will say. As men in this sub are more interested and aware of men’s rights and problems of our kind, this information seems basic, and the article doesn’t shed some new light in it. Still, it is well resumed, and the gap between men and women is flagrant, even frightening in my opinion.

Now a little bit of backstory here. I’m in Lithuania since a year, roughly the date when I’ve come across the concept of the Red pill and men issues. And quite quickly, (thanks to my studies for once) I’ve become really interested in statistics about the demography, first in this Baltic state, and soon extended to others, especially in death rates by suicide. I will come back to this in a moment.

And so like most of you, I’ve begun to see how life is really working out for us in Western or soon to be countries.

Lithuania is the country in the world where the suicide rate is the highest in the world (in regard of its population), since its independence from the URSS in 1990. The average ratio of suicide between men and women is 5 to 1, or presented differently, when a suicide occurs, there’s more than 80% chance it’s a man. Now what is interesting is not how this gap is explained. We know that at least in Western states and countries which want to adopt it, this gap is obvious for many reasons: constant emphasis on “women issues” (I directly think of campaigns against domestic violence), whether it’s by society, laws, or prevention campaigns. On the other side men had to suck it up, strangled by marriage laws, destined to be the provider for all, and still can’t legally test the DNA of their children. (I look at you France). No way common explanations given, alcoholism and tobacco explain this huge gap. Or at least, if these two factors are indeed more present in men, it’s definitely a consequence of theirs issues, and should not be seen simply as a cause.

I could go on and on about this subject who truly matters to me now, but I would discard what’s important here. It’s not about the awful society for men I feel to live in; it’s not about the gap in suicides.

It’s about me.

What does that says of me? How a young man, freshly in his 20’s and left for one year in a new country to simply take a break and enjoy one of the lasts years of his student life, comes to talk and become interested in subjects like this one? Can you see it already?

You will certainly oppose to me with saying that this is the angry phase, where all this new information contradicting what has been taught to me since my birth, mix itself up and gave me this bitter taste. Takes this anger and the energy associated to it, get a body, sharp you mind and swallow it down. Fair enough, but let’s continue. Here’s a list of what I’ve been doing after discovering all this, - still quite accurate to this date- :

-\tBecame interested in suicides matters/stories. -\tSmoking. Began to smoke alone. -\tPhased out from the group of other students, while not having issues with people, and no others hobbies appearing on the side. -\tDrop the workout routine I’ve been doing for 5 months efficiently, despite my satisfaction with the results. -\tPlayed video games again. A fucking lot of.

The list goes further. I could tell you about the whole nights I spent watching disturbing content in WTF subreddit or plunder Liveleak with more and more horrible deaths. Or about my studies this year that I completely wasted. I could even tell you about my meals, which have been one of the most enjoyable things I was doing, past discovering TRP and beginning to take care of my body. I was picking recipes every week and try them anytime. Drop it as well.

And it sucks how long all of this lasted before I acknowledged it a few weeks ago. This is where it fucking hurts, when despite all the things I do have, despite the chance to be still in good health and having a family behind me, that I’m still not happy. And let’s call it, that I’m depressed. And depressed at the point that every action I do is literally screaming it to me. And still, besides that, I didn’t see it clearly for months, as the fat slob convincing himself in front of his mirror that he’s just “strong”.

What’s my point? Be aware. I’ve been talking about suicide. We’re in a sub where men comes frequently at a specific time in their life, asking questions and looking eagerly for answers, because they want to take action, to fix something they couldn’t yet figure out. But still, it’s not really the happiest time in life for them. For us. If my little sob story rings a bell to you, beware of the early signs, before me. Before your lack of actions have consequences. Before the dark thoughts, and the regrets come. 5 months back and I was in track. Not perfect, but better. Now I must start all over again, from a lower point.

Lessons learned

Look out for the early signs of depression. Take dispositions to not let your mind wandering alone, attracted by things or subjects reflecting your current mood or issues. SHUT IT DOWN for a while, with work, with reading, with workouts. When your mind is sick, listening to it won’t be of any help, especially at night. Take some sleep and the day after will be brighter. And if it does not enough, reach out. It really clears your mind after simply explaining it to yourself, writing it down, or discussing with appropriate people.