34F. Divorced. Very poor at reading peoples’ character. Poor at understanding my own feelings (long processor), and have a hard time talking about emotions. I’ve been told I’m intimidating (not approachable) in the small, rural community I live in because I am college educated, own a home and am a manager at one of the best local employers. I have a pre-teen (Dad not involved) and do not want any more kiddos. I am not sure if I necessarily want to get married again, but do want the stability of a monogamous, long-term relationship.

49M and I started off as coworkers and friends; began hanging out after I did a bang up job of trying to set him up with our coworker. We are complete opposites (city girl/redneck, white collar/blue collar, tech savvy/illiterate, etc), which can be a source of immense respect/gratitude (usually) or frustration (sometimes). He was initially getting over a difficult breakup and didn’t want to be “obligated” to anyone; I was celebrating my divorce and taking things day by day. We started sleeping together when it was clear we have the same values and weren’t seeing other people, but only recently began calling what’s between us a relationship (complicated because I work directly for one of his family members and he is immensely private). He has said that I make his life better, am a big part of his happiness, and he wants me to be around for some of his big bucket list goals; I have also met his closest friends, gone with him to important appointments/events, and he has been there for me through some stressful times.

I know we both love each other, are truly best friends and have a very loving (action-based) relationship; however, I feel like we may both be settling on each other passion-wise (feelings). I saw how he felt at the end of his last heartbreak and struggle to know he doesn’t feel that passionately toward me.. I think we adore each other, but we never really had an intense honeymoon stage. I am struggling with the idea that his actions are what make me feel loved and that is good enough.. great, in fact, despite the more moderate feelings. I am happier than I have ever been and I am scared of needing/searching for more.

Do you have more perspective on “settling”, on actions holding more value that words, or feeling truly secure when you know you aren’t close to someone who has knocked his socks off (but who he feels comfortable and wants to share his life with)?