I'm posting here because I don't think my so-called gal pals would have the perspective I'm looking to hear. I'm not sure what I need to hear, I just know that RPW has it.

My boyfriend never wanted to get married. It's not even a fear of divorce/commitment thing, it's just that he's a libertarian and an athiest and doesn't believe that there should be any government or social ritual involved in life partnership decisions. I do want to get married, but I did that dumb thing you're not supposed to do... I entered the relationship pretending that getting married wasn't a big deal to me, and then finally told him what I really want when we were already living together. It wasn't cool of me and I'm sorry about it. After a lot of back and forth and serious talks about it, he basically left it at "I don't know if I can get married, but I want to be with you. Please give me time to really think about whether I can get married. I promise that I won't waste your time and I'll let you know as soon as possible if it's something I can't do." I was okay with this because I trust him to actually take this time to think about whether he can get married. He's not stringing me along, he's really working on it. We have periodic check-ins scheduled so that we're all on the same page.

Understandably, I was still a little stressed... I'm 25 and would like to be married sooner than later. I don't badger him about it, but it's hard not to wonder. A few weeks ago, I realized that I had become 100% calm about it, not at all stressed about whether he'll ever want to get married... so naturally I freaked out and got worried that maybe he thinks my calmness is a sign that I don't actually care about getting married. I told him that and he laughed and said that he's going to continue to assume that I want to get married unless I sit him down and directly tell him otherwise. Since then, I'm calm and have basically come to a point where I don't worry about it at all....

Now, twice within 24 hours, he's made me feel like maybe he's more open to it. We both do work in politics/government, and often joke that we shouldn't be allowed to have kids together because they'll be too smart and strong-willed for us to handle. Last night, he quietly told me that he thinks our kids would actually be the best people ever. This morning, we were chatting about a hypothetical future situation in his career and he referred to me as his "wife." He also told me that he's told his parents that getting married is a possibility for us.

I don't want to read into little things like this too much. I'm especially trying to not let my feelings create a sense of entitlement; just because I love him and want to be with him doesn't mean that I'm entitled to the same from him. I've been really investing into the relationship, trying to just do the right thing while also wondering why he'd "buy the cow," doing what I need to do to be a better me......

I don't actually think he's going to be ready any time soon? And I'm really trying to be okay with that. I would actually be shocked and totally caught off guard if he asked me to marry him at any point in the next 18 months. But when he says things... it's hard not to get caught up in how nice and romantic it'd be. But I'm doing my best to banish those thoughts from my brain because overthinking it would ruin it... while also remaining aware of exactly what I want and what I have to do to get there....It's a challenging balance!

Sorry for the stream of consciousness. It's Monday. :)