I am male, recently turned 18.

Mission: Finish military service, Study for a couple of years for the medical school entrance exam and finish medical school, specializing in medical microbiology and virology. I don't need a woman to accomplish my mission.

  • Stats: 180cm tall, 68-69kg, workout five times a week(currently on pause due to lockdown and an Injured finger),
  • Reading: I have only read the sidebar in r/asktrp, I plan to read the sidebar hereafter writing this post.
  • Finances: Currently a student.
  • Spiritual: I pray every night and when I need guidance, I meditate every day, I only share my faith with my close family.

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I don't know where to start really but this will be a kind of long post.

I've been lurking on RP subreddits for about a year now and found this subreddit but only skimmed through it. I was not that focused on my faith and didn't practice it a lot during that time. During this trying year, I have gotten closer to god and I am now working on implementing RPC and faith into my life. I have only read the sidebar on other RP subreddits and plan on reading the one on this one as well but anyway, back to the reason I am writing this post.

Ever since I was a kid I have been self-conscious and depressed, I have a father who has been very absent in my growing up. The longest conversation I have had with him(we don't even speak the same language really since my Arabic is bad) was probably less than a minute long. I was raised around women (3 sisters, one brother) and mostly by my mother who was abusive but eventually learned that taking out her anger on me was wrong. I am still trying to forgive her but I don't know if I ever can. I realize why she was angry and stressed, raising five children essentially alone with a job that doesn't pay well is extremely stressful and probably wasn't what she wanted in life. Anyway, I digress.

I grew up with no father figure and not much faith in my life (mom didn't have time to drive us to church anymore when I was around 12 or 13, the nearest church is 80+km away) putting myself down and even being told that I will amount to nothing. After entering high school I eventually learned to respect myself and I am not as self-conscious anymore and then found RP which I embraced well. At this point, faith wasn't really in my life and I did what any dumb teenager does, I had premarital sex and convinced myself to do it twice and that it was okay and having sex before marriage was dumb. I severely veered off my path and started drinking and using cannabis(I have stopped both now). Around 4-5 months ago I started to slowly incorporate faith into my life again and realized what I did was wrong and even though I have prayed for forgiveness from God, I find it difficult to forgive myself and sometimes the thought that my life as a Christian is now done because of it slips into my thoughts. I think maybe after moving to my own apartment I will go see a therapist, as my life is extremely messy and I don't have anyone to talk to about it, that's why I seem to be venting on this post as well. Maybe in the future, I'll be able to forgive myself for it, but right now, I don't think I can.

All of this winds its way back to me finally realizing that going to medical school and becoming a virologist is what I want to do. I have always wanted to become a doctor, but have excluded that thought from my mind and have always subliminally put myself down and told myself that I'm Inadequate and don't have the intellect to be able to do it. Last night I thought about my faith and my future for hours on end and realized all of this and planned it out and genuinely know I can get into medical school. I've had the "butterflies in my stomach" feeling since last night from the excitement of going through with this, and maybe the fear of it as well. I am terrified as well of the amount of work I'll have to do. I'll start studying for med school now and during my military service which starts after I graduate high school in a few months. I live in Finland and we have conscription which is why I have to complete military service.

I don't have a male role model let alone a Christian one in my life and I ask that you give me advice on what I should do regarding some of the stuff I have said. I guess while I'm here, I ask for advice on how I can become more faithful and advice regarding relationships in the future. I know having premarital sex was extremely bad so I ask for advice on how I am supposed to move forward.