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[–]Malkard3 points4 points5 points 9 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
TL;DR Frustration comes from expectations. Expectations comes from investment. Keep your investment low (or at least, lower than hers).
It's all about your personal investment in a relationship. Relationships are basically an exchange, a trade if you will.
If you go to the store, you give them money, they give you food. You've both benefited from the exchange. If you never go back to the store again, neither you, nor the owner will feel slighted.
Now, imagine that you don't have enough money, and the store offers you credit. You get the food, they get nothing up front. The owner has invested in you with the hope of getting paid later (maybe with interest). If you flee the country, the store owner will be slighted, having lost in the exchange.
Same in reverse... You want something, but the store doesn't have it on hand. He tells you that he can order it if you give him a deposit. You do so, and the store goes out of business, the owner is nowhere to be found. You lost your deposit and you ar enow frustrated, having lost in the exchange.
So, the key in relationships is to keep your investment to a minimum, or to get the other person to invest in you more than you invest in them. That way, trust becomes a non-issue. Investment creates expectations. No investment, no expectation, no frustration.
One of the easier way to do this is to act as if this was the last time you will ever see that person. Would you lend them money? Would you turn down the opportunity to sleep with someone else or start a new relationship? Are you giving them gifts that you hope will bring you something good later (as opposed to gift being a reward for something you already received). Are you doing anything that will cause you to have expectations that are not clear? And even clear expectations should be very short term at first. You wouldn't plan a weeklong trip in three months with the girl you met at a bar last night.
Even someone you've known for a while. Trust me, friends and acquaintances come and go. Get as much as you can out of a relationship. If they get out of your life you should be able to say "Oh well, it was fun while it lasted", and move on. If you're more invested than the other person, then that makes you less able to walk away, as it will incur a loss.
If your goal is to get into a traditional LTR, or get married, have a family, etc. Then this will obviously requires a more significant investment. What should normally happen between two people is that they'll slowly increase their investment. They'll take small risks by adding little by little, hoping that the other follows with an equivalent investment. If they match you, then you can continue. If the other person bails, then they're out only a small "amount".
That last paragraph works for quality friends as well. Good, strong relationships are built over a long period of time (years).
[–]questionac0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
That's good and all, to prevent it from happening.
How do you get over an already failed investment though?
[–]Malkard1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Like any bad decision. There are two things.
The first is to examine what happened, rationally. See what you could have done differently that might have increased your chances of a better outcome.
The other part is the emotional one. Emotions go away if you don't dwell on them and feed them. It could be as simple as letting some time pass. There are many solutions, and they don't all work the same for everyone. Exercise, therapy, meditation... A combination of all of this. It's not a surprise that the go-to advice around here is "lift".
Just be careful to learn the proper lessons from your life. Getting hurt by a girl doesn't mean every girl is out to hurt you. Most people actually feel bad about hurting others, but then again most people are selfish and will choose (and rationalize) their own well-being over yours.
It's not as bad as it sounds. Rational agency is one of the basic concepts of economic theory. You just have to know how to work with it.
But, no matter what you do, there will always be risk. Accept that. There can be no gain without it.
[–]FiveofSwords0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Its always very dangerous to start dwelling on which group you are in and think too much about how you are treated by another group (male/female, white/black, sunni/shi'ite, etc). I think it can spark a sort of repressed tribalism...and tribalism is very powerful today because in general our culture makes people feel very alone and alienated.
As a man, especially a white man, resentment can be amplified a huge amount because of course the media hates you. the news sources generally hate you, commercials generally hate you, movies, etc. The information overload you are bombarded with daily contains a good amount about how terrible you are for being male or for being white. You cant help but have that effect you somehow.
The pushback against it often goes a bit too far.
Just like you were formerly not aware of the reality of male/female relations, most women are not either. They believe what they are told by tv shows/teachers/coworkers/etc. Its easy to cherry pick the most insane feminist out there and get the impression that feminists have nefarious intent, but for the vast majority of humans I think it is just not true...most women have no bad intent and simply have never found a reason to question their assumptions...especially since any guy who questions these things is automatically placed in the misogynist category....that is part of the brainwashing technique.
But the reality is that in a fundamental way, women are not really different from you. The bare spirit of all of us is quite similar, but we are shaped by our culture. You happen to be living in a different sort of culture than most.
Imagine if you were forced to live in the middle east where the culture seems even more alien as far as male/female relationships...imagine how hard it must be for men living there who were 'redpilled' by a western education. Both the men and the women perpetuate a culture that looks bizarre and toxic to us, but they are simply doing as they are raised to do. Imagine living in the US like 300 years ago but realizing fully how horrible the institution of slavery is. Such things are hard of course...but you must try to avoid hating people for it. People who are fundamentally good can be trained to do bad things because its normalized in their culture.
[–]Arie_R1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Hi, I am new here and female but hope the people here will be happy for me to chime in. I listen to men's rights people on YouTube as well as anti-feminists and I really do think they have many valid points. Where I lose interest is when an entire video is just a man whining and shitting on 'all women', because he's just wrong. This sort of stuff is the same as some woman whining and shitting on 'all men' being pigs, only wanting sex and only looking of 0 commitment. These things are just not true.
What are the reasons that you feel you can't trust the woman you're seeing right now, and what are the reasons you feel used by her? If there are sure signs indicating you can't trust her/she uses you, you might want to run. However, if you've just become bitter and ultra suspicious from listening to too much whining from some MRA's/MGTOW's, then you should probably reflect on your views and see if they are based on real things or just bad experiences of some other men (considering you might be in a bit of an echo chamber).
The fact you say all your attempts at a relationship failing might say something about the women you go out with or about you. You might go for the young and pretty girls who are high maintenance, who have men flirting with them all the time, who might not want to settle down, who might just want to have fun, or who might mainly want you to pay for your dates, their new clothes, their drinks, whatever. The key is to decide what you want, and go for women who want the same thing. These might be women who are older than your previous partners, they might not be the top 10% with regards to looks. Just make a better selection. Good luck! There are great women out there; I know many. I am really struggling to find a man that I like…. It's not just hard for men.
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[–]Malkard3 points4 points5 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]questionac0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Malkard1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]FiveofSwords0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Arie_R1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link