"I give up."

To me the saddest words in the English language. The truth is, people "give up," in literally the primes of their lives (mid-20s to mid-50s) by choosing to take part in a number of activities.

My thesis is this: if you can do your daily "activities" at age 85 or 90, when your balls hang to the floor and your dick barely works anymore--if you find yourself in the prime of your life doing any activity that an old man or woman could do in a retirement home, then you are pretty much saying to the world, "I give up!"

Sorry. I hate to be the tough-ass dad but it's really sad when I see young men, (or women to some extent), literally physical specimens at the height of their emotional and psychological potentials, piss it all away in some scheme or livelihood that, in my opinion, completely negates what it means to be a human being of the highest order.

What are some examples of this?

"Professional poker player."

Oh. My. God. Get a fucking life you people. And while you're at it, dude in a hoodie and sweats listening to itunes wearing giant headphones and sunglasses, please get some sun exposure. Your Vitamin D levels must be the same as Dracula.

You are, without a doubt, the biggest dreg on society I have ever seen. Fuck you. Because you know what? You deciding to spend the prime years of your life sitting at some felt table with a group of other nimrods surely, in my book, puts you in the 11th Circle of Hell.

You are not cool. I do not care how you sucked out on the river or how you were dealt pocket aces or any of that crap. You need to take a bath. Then you need to take off those sunglasses and look in the mirror for a minute or two. Then go home to your mother and hug her. Apologize for being literally the most useless individual on the entire planet.

"Online forum troller."

Dude. Dudddee…Dude. Oh Jesus H. Christos. Wow. Where do I begin? No. I just can't. It's too much. Imagine some old lady with a bunch of shopping bags who every day walks around the same strip mall and rants at random pedestrians. Does that paint a sad picture? Well guess what--in my book, that woman is more well-put-together and serving more of a role in society than you, online forum troller. At least she's actually talking to live human beings and getting some exercise outdoors.

Just fuck you. Fuck you and your carpal tunnel hands. And that right index finger that's completely numb at this point from clicking the mouse and scrolling page after page of worthless shit. You make people who watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune every day religiously look like Harvard professors. You are the worst. And the scariest thing is, because you're actually "reading and writing" during the day, you may actually delude yourself into thinking you're making some type of "contribution."

Please. I can't write anything more about you people. It's too sad. You make porn addicts look good. At least a porn addict is getting some pleasure out of the whole thing. Please, for the love of Pete, get out of your mom's basement and go take a walk. Find the closest strip mall and propose to that old lady with the shopping bags who rants to everyone. The two of you are a match made in heaven.

"I read big, important books/ I binge-watch "good" television/ I view the "classic" movies."

Fuck you, people. You are the most up-your-own-ass level of cultural consumers. You think just because you read Moby Dick or binge-watch Mad Men or The Sopranos you're somehow "adding" to the cultural discourse or some froofy shit like that. You are doing none of that. You are like a guy who spends his life at art museums. You are a barnacle of the highest order--actually claiming to be "sophisticated" just because you're acting like the kiss-ass 11th graders in high school English class who couldn't get laid so they actually went home and read those giant tomes the teacher used to assign.

I'm all for "big ideas." I like Fellini, Kubrick, Dostoyevsky, Seinfeld, South Park, Star Trek, you name it. But bro (or lady), guess what? Those dusty-ass books/ TV shows/ movies will still be there when your dick doesn't work and your kids have grandkids of their own. You are forgetting that these sources of media are simply entertainment. Books, TV, and movies…yes…even the "good" shit, the Emmy-winning and Oscar/ Nobel-prize winning crap, is all just entertainment. They were written by and produced by people to help us pass the time when we're on a bus or on a plane or some shit like that.

If you turn the passive (and yes, it is quite passive) consumption of any form of media into your daily past time, you are saying "fuck you" to the world. You are saying, "my little stories matter more to me than my wife/ girlfriend/ friends/ society." You are literally throwing your life away and hiding behind "being cultured" as your flimsy excuse. Just die, you Shakespeare-quoting twat.

By the way, if you think I have a bone to pick with people who read books all day/ binge-watch "good" TV/ view the "classic" movies, imagine how I loathe, if not more so, the people who fritter away their lives on social media, watching shitty TV and sports and reality shows, playing video games, hanging out at the bar every night and afternoon, dink on their smartphone all day, spend every minute viewing anime and manga and comic books and the DC/ Marvel universes, or just plain surfing the internet all day, oh my frickin' Lord I'm going to lose it if I don't stop ranting about these cretins!

Get a life, people!

How do you know if you "have a life?" How about using this criterion--if you are spending your days doing things your 92-year-old Great Aunt Gladys cannot do while sitting in her rocking chair, then you probably have a normal life.

Quit wasting your life. You will feel so much better for not waving the white flag and saying "I give up" to the world by age 31. Take a long, hard look in the mirror, friend. And please don't binge-watch looking at yourself in the mirror or post 10 selfies on social media either. Please look in the mirror every once in a while and ask yourself, "is this lifestyle I live somehow an affront to God for the beautiful gift He gave me called a body, a mind, a life, a big, blue, interesting planet?"

Please ask yourself that every once in a while. You fucking J.J. Abrams-watching tool, you.