Hello guys,

after my first girlfriend almost killed me by stress in 2014, I managed to get my health back. But, ever since, I kept saying to myself that I wanted to be alone, and girls are not worth it. With this mentality, I fucked literally more than 100 girls in 3 years. They absolutely loved me, because I became this chad, muscular guy, that didn't care about their feelings.

Ok, so I met this girl 4 months ago that had everything to do with me. She loves spirituality, Osho, buddhism, very smart, teacher in university. She is perfect to me, and we started dating, even though I was with MGTOW mentality.

So very strange things started to happen. I didn't have ANY jealosy for her. We were in a party and there was this guy hitting on her. I didn't even notice. She became sad because she felt I really didn't care for her. And.. it was true. I actually don't. It's impossible to hide...

I have this thoughts were I feel I'm better off alone, and that girls are evil, and the law is against man, and everything a girl does is fuck up guys. This thoughts I constantly have are, what we can call "not being open to relationship". Those thoughts are already beliefs, and it seems there is no turning back.

I am her first boyfriend and it seems that I'm being really mean to her. Not by using her, but by spending time with her without the intention of forming a family. She doesn't seem evil like my previous girlfriends that tortured me. This time I don't even care if I'm a cuck or not. I just want peace, and living in the moment. What happens, happens, whatever you know? I think like that because I'm 100% mentality that I'm better off alone. But at the same time, my relationship is not going forward. I'm not open for it to evolve into another level. I'm not open, I'm dead inside to relationships. She is a good friend.

I know that I'm disposable, and by her instincts she would trade me for a better guy, but I don't even care about it anymore... I went through so much, death related issues that I don't care at all. She seems a really nice person and I'm feeling guilty. I'm not sure what to do.. what would you guys do?