Today was a shitty day. Things weren't going the way I wanted to. I was stifled, no matter how hard I thought about it I couldn't be positive. All these negative thoughts were emerging through my head.

My date for today cancelled, we rescheduled for tomorrow. The second she cancelled on me I felt like my day was ruined, no matter how nice it was and the potential opportunities around me.

With that thought it made me realize that I'm dependent on Women to make me feel happy. There have been times where I would have the best days simply because I get a text from a girl, confirming the date for that day.

My heart will leap and all of these positive emotions would flood me. When the opposite happens it turns to shit. It's hard trying to get rid of the beta traits. It's been distilled in me since I was a kid and now it mutated into something that it's hard to cure.

I tried everything today to be positive and "draw state from within" It wasn't working. I did everything that Russell Harris spoke about in his book, The Confidence Gap, where you acknowledge the negative thoughts and try to diffuse it.

It was getting to a point where I wanted bad things to happen to this one girl that studies at the same coffee shop that I study at as well. Stupid, right? letting women dictate my emotions. In short, I started to chat with this girl, we talked for a bit, exchanged names and whatnot, she leaves and I see her again. I smile at her and I can tell she doesn't want to see me or talk to me.

Have you ever encountered someone you know but you don't want to talk to them? and then you do everything in your power to not acknowledge them, not looking at that general direction and hope that, that person doesn't recognize you and talk to you? Yeah, that's what is girl is doing to me.

I wanted to "accidentally" spill coffee all over her mac book. See?! this is what I mean. All these thoughts are fucking with my mind. Ugh it was so bad that after my study session I didn't ever bother to approach. My anxiety was so high that I just left early.

I don't want to feel this way. Being negative and having this attitude sucks. Tomorrow is the first of August. I'm going to come up with a sort of goal for the month of August.

I hate having women dictate my state of emotions. I hate having to rely on shitty women for happiness. I want to be free of this cage and rely on myself. Before anyone ask; I lift, read, approach(obviously) and working on my career. It's just my fucking shitty dating life that is causing me stress. Stress! another thing women is dictating. Fuck me, haha.