I just turned 40 years old last week. And would like to share my experience with women for you guys to read if your interested. I think you can all relate to my story and it can be as a certain warning for younger men that can be easily influenced into a relationship like I was as an unhardened young man.

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My past:

I was raised in a broken family. Divorce and I had issues with my father leaving when I was around 8 or 9. I remember the moment when he sat down with me infront of the TV after having a huge fight with my mother and told me that he would now have to go and couldn't be around me as often as before. He walked away with me crying and screaming after him. This left me a bit scarred. I developed a deep pain in my body that was from psychological trauma. I got into fights and was easily angered. Was a very righteous in my thinking so I kept defending the little ones around me. I lived until I was 17 with my mother that was pretty dominant in promoting her opinions of me. I always had a hard time to be around women because I always felt kind of guilty around them for unknown reasons at the time. When I moved out I relied on my childhood sweetheart for shelter. I had to move because my mother had been living with my stepfather who was very vigorously trying to raise a teenager. Ending in a kind of a break-up fight between the family members and I decided to move out and start my own life. I had a girlfriend from 15 years to 21 and it was drama filled and in a haze of weed smoking and partying. That ended in a separation that took a toll on a young man and when she started dating one of my friends I felt crushed to the point of suicide. But managing to forgive them release myself was key to my survival. After the first relationship I was alone for about a year. My father died almost in my arms from diabetes and hard drinking at the young age of 50 years old. Had just split with his wife that had betrayed him by sleeping with someone else. The same thing he had done to my mother. This was my first introduction to the existence and functions of Karma and how everything travels in a circles around us. My opinion at the time was that upon dying he left in my arm a certain task to continue. Something I never fathomed how it would transpire.

My marriage

The brief summary is that I married at 26 years old to my now ex-wife and we had 2 children and it seemed like the most wonderful story waiting to unfold. I felt she was my soul mate, my perfect partner. After her pregnancy she started to change. I had started to change to. I had stopped all connection with alcohol and any drugs for 6 years and soaked my mind in atheistic literature. Having never really dealt with my childhood pain I was still this angry guy. I related deeply with Bill Burr and felt he spoke my mind at times. My wife fell out of love with me and we got a divorce.

My divorce
This nearly destroyed me. Suddenly I became my father and had to tell my kids that I had to go from them like my father had to do with me. A year after the divorce my ex wanted to move to a new country. She had a job opportunity there and more options. Considering that she was actually struggling so I decided against my better judgement to allow her to leave with them. I would do my best to travel to the country and meet them and have them over once or twice a year. This happened pretty quickly and the separation was excruciating. I lived for almost a year without them in my life. And my heart didn't allow me to rest. I started getting suicidal thoughts and immense feelings of jealous rage.

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A year without my young'un
I had to block her on social media and save myself from thinking of her because I could get worked up into state. I started seeing a therapist again, which I have done since adulthood every now and then. But this time I needed help more then anything. I was taught how to meditate using Mindfulness techniques. And we talked about the thoughts that I couldn't think. Went into the shadows of my being to wage the wars needed to let them go. I had a big breakthrough in one of the sessions where I felt this pain so deeply. And my excellent psychologist stopped me and asked me where the pain was placed in the body. And I felt it right above my heart. He asked me what substance it would be. I mentioned granite block. He asked what tool could break this block. I said a sledgehammer. He asked my to close my eyes and focus on this pain, feel the sledgehammer swing and break it. I felt a white liquid substance get released from within and as if it worked. It was as if a spell was broken. Now the pain still arrived every now and then but I could see it before thinking what it wanted me to think. I could kind of have a conversation with myself if I was fighting with my ex in the shower for instance. This then gradually grew into a more peaceful state of being. I could let go of a lot of opinions that caused my to feel anger. Giving me relief from this old pain that was created in a 8 year old righteous kids heart that had been broken. I saw that this was the package given to me by my father to solve. I needed to return to my kids.

Moving to a new country

After reaching a certain peace I felt I could take on the task of cleaning up my shit and getting out. I sold my apartment, totaled my old car, gave away my furniture and put stuff of value in long time storage. I went on a summer vacation to the country my children lived in to stay with them for 2 weeks and did not return. I got a job and a place to stay close to my kids school and started a 50/50 agreement with my ex. They started coming over and spending a week with me and a week with her. But this is the thing. This is her dream to stay here. And my kids don't actually like it much. And now she has found a rich boyfriend that the kids are going to move in with in the coming summer months. I am still dealing with my older self sometimes though many aspect of him are gone. I can go into thinking marathons of negativity if I don't watch it. Because my ex will always trigger the pain if I allow her to. This is a typical hyper-gamy situation I am seeing but I can only cause confusion to my children if I make a stand and move back. So I am here is my whole philosophy. I am fixing my fathers karma by returning to the children that were left behind.

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Identify what can be fixed and what can't

This is the biggest lesson in life. Don't try to change others around you because that takes a lot of effort and persuasion. Rather choose your battles and adapt to the world by serving others. Once you have learned to love yourself enough in the right way you can start loving others with overflow of that. Meditation is a gateway into a new person and we can focus on gaining knowledge from our experiences and making peace with them to be able to stronger and wiser.

I wish you all the best and remember to not get fooled by soul-mates and twin flame ideas because those are the ones that really break our spirit.

gillichet