Hello. I've started to self improve again. Sadly I know that this is a temporary state, I will begin hating myself again in a day or two. Which sucks but there's not much I can do about it. I get into these episodes where I just want to be comforted by a women. When I get home tired and stressed and I haven't eaten a lot and I am barely surviving I just want someone to hug me and tell me I am doing the best I can right now and that this is temporary. Unfortunately, this is unrealistic to want. Still, there's a subconscious want for it, and it aches my heart I will never know it. It's weird honestly. I want a girl to totally seduce me and make me go total simp mode but none of them seem worth really anything. I met one a few weeks ago who got me close to that but I later talked to her more and although her beauty is amazing you get used to it and she just becomes another girl. I know girls can't provide anything in my life. I struggle to think of one. They don't even provide sex since they are concious people so they can control and deny it. Unless you are in the top precent of guys, at least in my experience, she won't even attempt to care about you and will find your mental bullshit tiring, your problems annoying and pathetic, I remember my mom complaining about my dad's mental problems to me when I was younger, I heard this from my own mom, you think a young women would be any different? Hell, my guy friends have cared about me way more than any girl has. I could be dying and a girl would just be mad I'm bleeding in her vision.

This is where my sadness comes in. I don't see Chad's getting fucked over or at least, not as hard as the average or below average dude would. Because women know their value, Chads can be pretty rare and hard to lock down. I feel totally abandoned by the entirety of society and I feel like I have no place in it at all. I feel like my tax dollars go to things that don't benefit me and I am working to keep a society afloat that I don't want to be a part of anymore but I can't escape. There's no new lands or frontiers. I feel cornered and unable to escape any of this. My only escape would be that I can feel like I am in the top percentage of guys because the girl I hypothetically would be with cares about me. I can feel successful. But I know I'm not. I know I will have to give up so much for so little. Just like the girl I found attractive. She will seem amazing for the first couple weeks but then you get used to her and your ability to put up with her bullshit gets used up. Stress builds up. You don't want to be in this anymore. What a waste of time. And then it repeats.

How do you guys accept that a women will never love you? How do you stay content with living when life is so unenjoyable?