TIL my parents brought me into the world so that I could be a utility

My parents want me to obediently follow the life script but the problem is they always want me to be better than other people. When I was young, they would always compare me to other kids and put me down at home but in public they would treat me like a trophy and brag about my achievements.

They often called me a piece of shit and expressed how worried they are because I am always behind the other kids. I was never good enough no matter how hard I tried. Every time I tried to stick up for myself they would put me down and tell me that their criticism is true love because they really care about me and are honest. I thought kindness from other people was a lie. If I tried to use logic they would respond with yelling and heated emotions to win the argument.

I would complain to a "trusted adult" at school but they told me to stop being an "ungrateful bitch" and learn to appreciate my parent's hard work and sacrifice in raising me. I tried to find a girlfriend who would love me because I could never find love at home. I would simp because I thought I sacrificing everything and getting abused was normal just for a whiff of validation.

The parents would always fight every day and engage in emotional arguments but they always told me they loved each other. I don't think they loved each other. I don't think they ever had sex after I was born.

When I reached high school they called me a failure because I stopped growing at 5'6" and had an ugly face. My parents don't have good genes but they expected me to become a 6'2" Chad with a 9/10 face just because they forced me to play sports and eat healthy food. It's like they wanted to roll the dice and live their life through me because they failed at their own life. I thought my height was my own fault because my parents kept blaming it on me and comparing me to other kids who were taller. I thought my face was my own fault because I didn't work hard enough.

I spent many years trying to improve myself so that my parents would finally accept me. They never did so I tried to find a "unicorn" who would love me. I ended up on MGTOW because I kept failing with women and I always assumed it was my fault. It didn't help that most of the people I called "friends" always blamed me for not trying hard enough on my personality and learning "game".

Going MGTOW made me realize that my parents don't love me even though blue pillers think that every family is happy and loving. I don't want

They don't know what they want from life but they punish me whenever I don't satisfy their feelings

  • They want me to be an alpha outside but a simp in the house.

  • If I speak up they tell me that I should shut the fuck up and listen to them because their wiser. If I don't talk they complain that I'm too quiet and need to openly express my emotions.

  • They want me to move out of the house but when I did, they want to control me and have me live closer to them.

  • They want me to stop relying on them but they want me to keep in touch constantly and always ask them for advice

  • They want me to make lots of friends and give up my personality to blend in but they want me to be unique and keep my personality.

  • If I follow the rules they say I'm too boring and insecure to take a risk. If I do my own thing and go my own way they want me to follow the rules.

Now they want me to get married and have kids. Except they don't care if I'm in a happy relationship. They just want grandkids so that they can repeat their experiment and try to create another Chad. They're already worried because I don't have a girlfriend and I'm not spending enough time with them.

I feel like my parents fucked up my childhood and made me think love was getting abused and only getting a whiff of validation in return. I don't want to get into a relationship because I will always seek narcissistic girls who act like my parents. I don't want to have kids because I don't know how to be a good parent.

Am I being an ungrateful bitch who is never happy?

Why does everyone tell me to man up and get married so that I can do better than my parents?