This is a sort of open journal to work through a problem at the moment. I'm not sure if it will be helpful to anyone, and I apologise if after reading some portion or all of this that you feel I've wasted your time.

Ive been feeling extremely troubled the last couple of days and although I'm not 100% sure it pertains to MGTOW, the ideas here have been at the forefront of my mind for weeks. Ive been burried in articles, videos and this Subreddit just about every free minute I have.

Ive been redpilled for over a year, and my rage stage is long past me. But every now and then I throw myself back into the literature and media and this time I've gone deep.

Since turning my back on relationships and being completely honest with myself about what I want out of women (sex), everything has improved. I can get laid pretty easily now, I'm more confident, way less concerned with feelings and offence, and I'm chasing my dreams with a level of ferocity and consistency I haven't ever mustered before when chasing pussy was always at the forefront of my mind.

These last couple of days though I don't know yet what it is. I have this uncomfortable feeling in my gut, and I'm losing sleep. The word that best describes it is 'troubled'.

It started right after this night out at a bar a couple of days ago where this one girl I'd been flirting with for a few days showed up briefly, but I couldn't close the deal. We'd been snapchatting and she was sending me a lot of nudes, and we ended up sleeping together last night which was great (despite a condom failure ffs). Anyway at this bar there's also a girl I haven't seen in over a year, and we've known each other for at least 15 years though have never really been sexually interested in one another, but this night she was very drunk and throwing herself at me and I even took her home later intending to fuck her but she was too out of it by the time we got there and I ended up just dropping her off to stumble into bed.

Lastly at this bar, there was another girl, one I haven't met before. Just turning 22, cute and fun to talk to. We chatted a lot between drunken girl coming and going through the night, and I ended up with her number. She's been pestering me since to hookup, and likely this week that's gonna happen.

Basically even though I didn't get laid this night it was a night that by the old me's standards would have been fucking amazing. I guess I haven't got the stink of death on me anymore, and getting girls to drool over me is easy now that I kind of resent them. I'm still playful and just enough of a dick without being crude, but behind my eyes is a distrust and disdain almost.

I know a lot of you will not approve of my interacting with women, but MGTOW for me is putting myself first. I'll never marry, cohabitate, or have another child if I can help it (vasectomy on my horizon). But I will continue to flirt with and bed them, because that for me is a lot of fun and I like to pursue always what is most fun. Whether it's my business, my hobbies or in this case these women.

But why the fuck do I feel so fucking rotten? Ive got chicks lining up to suck my dick. My Snapchat pings me so often I had to disable notifications on it (protip: disable notifications on ALL apps on your phone. It'll change your life). This once upon a time would have kept me up at night in excitement, but now something just feels off. I enjoy the sex. I enjoy the flirting and pickup. I enjoy the occasional nudes on Snapchat. But right now, and a number of times over the last couple of days while on my own - I feel troubled and I can't put my finger on it.

I'm generally always paying attention to my experience and can connect the dots with regards to what I'm thinking or experiencing and how it's impacting my emotional state. This one though has me stumped, and I was kind of hoping in writing this out in detail that I might discover what is wrong - so far I'm not sure I've got the mark..

Gentlemen if you read this far and have a thought to chime in with, by all means. I'd be glad to have your input.

Otherwise disregard my silliness and carry on your own way.