There was a girl I was very much into for a long time back in high-school. She was attractive (a 9 in my book), smart, witty, talented, and artistic, which all piqued my interest. We also had great chemistry, and got along swimmingly.

We were highly flirtatious in our body language, often sitting almost in each other's laps when we sat together, interlocked arms, messaged pictures to each other and complimented our looks, and probably talked for six or more hours every day.

We had a conflict of interests in some respects. She was very religious (Christian) and, retrospectively, I can see that back then I was an agnostic atheist, moving towards plain atheism. So, we disagreed a lot on religion, but we never let that affect our relationship. Even after she learned of my irreligious leanings, she didn't terminate the relationship.

It was really a summer of love. We had our fling for probably about eight months, starting in the winter and coming to a head at the end of the summer.

The relationship didn't fray and self-destruct, like what may normally come out of one as ours (as I'd seen happen many times before), but in one lukewarm event. We were at our local 4H fair, and the scene was set for what would be a perfect first kiss. We had been highly intimate (though not blatantly sexually) through that whole day, and at the end of the night, as fireworks went off, we were on the top of the Ferris wheel, and it was stopped. She and I remarked that it was a scene straight out of a romance novel. She and I look at each other, get ready to kiss ... and she stops and lays on my shoulder instead.

I guess it didn't feel right from her, and she just didn't feel it. I never understood it for a long time. Everything was perfect, and at that one moment she ducked out?

Our communication eventually faded into oblivion, and she ended up in an official relationship with a boy who was training to be a minister.

You can imagine my surprise when I saw them at the homecoming dance, grinding/dryhumping, with his hands up her dress, while they made out.

So what's the takeaway that I got from this experience?

  1. I was not frontal about my feelings. I always let things stay in that nebulous region, and I imagine that when it reached the point where we were to prove our feelings, she couldn't agree, fearing the unknown.

  2. Some women can move past differences in principle; some women can move past their own principles if they are with one they agree with. (She wouldn't kiss me, but she would just about have sex with her BF in public).

  3. Allowing yourself to fall into depressed episodes helps no one. I was in a funk for probably six months straight after that before I began looking forward. Dwelling only made me feel self-loathing and self-loathing is a worthless feeling to own.