I was monk mode for 1.5 years after the girl of my dreams broke my heart when she dumped me when I was hospitalized with ruptured intestines and antibiotic resistant abcesses. I nearly died and lost 14kg muscle in 2 weeks. I became morphine addicted. Not the chad she liked anymore. She never visited me in the hospital and broke my heart in the worst way. I had thoughts of suicide and almost overdosed.

After a few months of this i picked myself back up.... 1.5 years later i finished my masters degree and bachelors degree. Got a good job. Career prospects. Saving money. Almost back in shape completely. Travelling around and trying to love myself. I feel good finally after so long.

Now a girl i know asked me to be her fwb. Stupid me went along with it. Fast forward and tonight we had sex. I didnt enjoy it at all.... I feel bad about myself and for breaking my morals. I feel nauseous for sleeping with someone who I dont feel as strongly for as the girl I used to date. The good things are I used condom and have her consent on whatsapp messages and she wont bother me for relationships or anything.

My peace of mind however is gone to shit. I feel like a piece of shit and I cant sleep. I am so angry. After so long I feel good about myself. I dont enjoy time with women at all. I want to work on myself and do things I love. Now I am completely out of it... how do u guys deal with this? There are just so many risks now for something so unenjoyable its totally not worth it... I feel completely fucked